A Trip to Nowhere
by rollmaster
Summary: And it was so that they spent 4 days in Ryuichi's old, weathered house, learning, growning, discovering just what it meant to be alive, when their time was cut short, and whole new decisions were forced to be made. ryushu
1. a new adventure

Hey there, buddy here! so i read this fic by BC called "Child's room" and it sparked my muse wide awake. It intrigued me to imagine Ryuichi taking Shuichi to his childhood home.

Don't get me wrong, i am quite the strong supporter of yuki and shuichi, i guess i just wanted a taste of ryu/shu, you never know what you like until you've tried it. and as i have recently become quite obsessed with this pairing, i should write a bit about how i see it, or feel it, even if not directly.

of course, most people didn't bother to read that but hey, what does it matter.

Release my muse!

A trip to nowhere

* * *

Shuichi had a knack for getting himself in odd situations, this being no exception, but he still couldn't help but wonder how it was exactly he got himself in this one. One minute he had been recording under the watchful eye of his producer and his idol, Ryuichi, now, as fate would have it, he was on the back of a motorcycle speeding to god knows where clinging to said to idol. What on earth was he getting himself into, as it was he couldn't just ask to be taken back home. Ryuichi had been so serious when he'd handed Shuichi a helmet and said "Follow me." Who was Shuichi to argue? 

Oh yeah, how had he forgotten that his idol had proclaimed his love for him not to long ago? Kissed him in front of Yuki and then brushed it off by as something he had felt the urge to do; to make Shuichi fall for him instead of Eiri? Shuichi shook his head against the wind that he could hear whistling past the helmet on his head. Sometimes he cursed his stupid recklessness.

Shuichi tightened his hold as Ryuichi veered off onto a dirt road. He couldn't help but wonder where they were and where they were going. They'd been traveling for at least two hours. No breaks for anything, it was as if Ryuichi had planned this all out. Shuichi closed his eyes and simply thought. He was starting to go numb from being on the bike this long. But his mind was still wide awake, filled with strange thoughts. What would Yuki say about him missing? Would he even care? Shuichi had to doubt it, but part of him really wanted to know what his lovers face would look like when he didn't return home that night. Shuichi had to tighten his grip again when the road became bumpier and he was nearly knocked off. He clenched his eyes shut and waited for it to pass.

He didn't open his eyes when he felt the bike start to slow, or when the road suddenly smoothed out a bit and was able to loosen his grip a bit, it was ironic how that made him a bit sad though. He opened his eyes and saw an overgrown lawn. He blinked to make sure he wasn't seeing things and sat up a little straighter to see over Ryuichi's shoulder. It was then he saw what looked like a creepy old house from a horror movie. The windows were boarded up, vines were growing up to the roof of the house, and what might have been a pristine white at one time was now dull beige.

Shuichi was still in awe over the house that he failed to notice that Ryuichi had removed both their helmets and was now watching him with that serious look on his face. The one he got on stage, only now it was a bit softer, less calculating, and more normal than anything he'd ever seen on that face before. When Shuichi finally caught that gaze, he nearly gasped and moved back but was stopped from his almost blunder by Ryuichi turning to the house and saying words Shuichi never thought he'd ever hear, "This is where I grew up. It's also to where I disappear to."

Shuichi turned to look at the house, beaten up by years of neglect and Ryuichi came here when he disappeared? Shuichi was stunned, why share this information with him? A small voice in the back of his mind reminded him that Ryuichi loved him. _Loved him_. Dear God, what was he getting himself into this time? He was startled out of his thoughts when the object of said thoughts held out a hand in front of his face and smiled that childish smile at him. Shuichi took it and allowed himself to be pulled toward the house that stood before them. He watched as Ryuichi opened the door using an ancient looking key on the rusted padlock, and led the way inside.

Shuichi wasn't sure what he was expecting to see within the house, but he was sure it wasn't this. The inside, was for the most part, clean. Dusty, sure, but clean, the furniture looked worn, and the walls had a few cracks in them, the floors looked desperate for a good mopping and the windows were streaky with what had to be dry water stains. But the house was still livable. Shuichi looked around then focused on Ryuichi who had been focused on him the entire time. Shuichi was stuck staring at those eyes that held a hint of sadness, they seemed to glow almost with the setting sun that made everything seem to appear in shades of golden yellows and oranges. Ryuichi held out his hand for Shuichi to take and he did once more, allowing Ryuichi to pull him up a set of stairs and down a narrow hallway.

"Shu-chan, you can pick a room to stay in. I don't really care which one."

Shuichi just stared at Ryuichi, a man who could tame an entire crowd with the flick of his wrist, who was blushing and looking off to the side as though afraid to meet Shuichi's gaze. "Sakuma-san, which room are you staying in?"

Ryuichi looked up and almost seemed to glare at him. "Ryuichi."

Shuichi was confused for a second then understood what his idol was trying to tell him, "Ryuichi-kun, which room are you staying in?"

"This one; my room, na no da!" Ryuichi said while rapping his knuckles against a wooden door, big smile on his face.

Shuichi smiled and tapped the door as well. "Then I'll be staying in this room."

Ryuichi looked startled for a moment then lowered his face so his bangs covered his eyes. Shuichi didn't like how this cast most of Ryuichi's face in shadow; he reached out and gently lifted his idols face to meet his own. Ryuichi smacked his hands away and Shuichi instinctively stepped back to give him room, but Ryuichi pulled him close. Shuichi, who was afraid, confused, and extremely happy by being this close to his idol, nearly died of shock when he felt wetness against his neck and shoulder.

Ryuichi was crying, not the phony he-didn't-get-his-way-around-N-G look, but real tears, and he wrapped his arms around Shuichi's waist and held him tight, and Shuichi, too stunned to think much, wrapped his arms around Ryuichi's neck and let him cry. Shuichi wasn't used to seeing Ryuichi cry like this; he was used to the giant crocodile tears the older man usually shed, regardless, Shuichi held him close, softly running his fingers through those thick brown locks.

It took a while, but eventually Ryuichi had stopped crying and left Shuichi in an odd predicament; Ryuichi wasn't letting him go, and while Shuichi knew the older man probably needed comfort, he was still sure that this hug was not the right way to give it, seeing as how their entire bodies were flush against each other. Shuichi was just about to pull away when Ryu did it for him. The older singer wiped his eyes and opened the door to his room. Shuichi was prepared to be awed by the rock star's room, but was instead surprised to see it look a lot like his own; a synthesizer, a computer, a bed, and posters of just about everything all over the walls.

Shuichi watched Ryuichi walk over to the bed and plop down on the mattress, eyes closed and a small smile playing at his lips. He sat next to Ryu and was almost immediately pulled down into a hug that turned into an impromptu wrestling match. Shocked at first and then determined, Shuichi won by pinning Ryu's arms above his head and straddling his waist. Shuichi couldn't help but notice that for being pinned Ryuichi looked awful smug. He was proved right when the positions were reversed and Shuichi was stuck with a rock god between his legs pinning his arms down.

Ryuichi leaned down to where his lips brushed Shuichi's as he whispered "I win." Shuichi blushed crimson and tried to pull back to find no room to escape. Ryu pushed forward and suddenly had Shu's lips in a soft, chaste kiss. Shuichi wasn't sure what crazy idea went through his mind, but he kissed back and suddenly felt his world crashing around him. He pulled back in a hurry and ended up pushing himself so far he fell off the edge of the small bed. Ryuichi just peered at him curiously then laughed childishly into his pillow. Shuichi stood up and jumped onto the bed.

"No fair Ryuichi! You can't do that!"

Ryuichi didn't even look fazed as he stared up into Shuichi's eyes. "Do what, Shuichi?"

It was Shuichi's turn to hide behind his bangs as he felt an oncoming nosebleed. Ryuichi looked hot laying there, hair messed up, shirt riding up, and that sexy little smirk he wore when he felt confidant about something. He was startled when his face was lifted and those lips were back on his. They were soft, gentle, and seemed to just be content with being in contact with his own. When Ryuichi pulled away he had on his characteristic chibi smile and pulled Shuichi to lay down with him in the bed. "I'm sorry Shuichi, I couldn't resist no da."

Shuichi didn't say anything and allowed his idol to wrap him up in a comforting embrace. Shuichi still wasn't satisfied that the whole kiss thing was being ignored, but he dealt with it. 'I'll just confront him in the morning.' Slowly falling asleep in the arms of a man who was not his lover left him feeling a bit unsettled, but almost completely content.

Ryuichi though stayed awake long after Shuichi had fallen asleep. He brought the young singer here to show him that what Ryuichi felt for him was real and that if anyone was going to hold Shuichi's heart, it was he. Placing a soft kiss to the boys' forehead, Ryuichi forced himself to sleep.


	2. day one adjusting

Shuichi woke up face to face with kumagoro. He blinked a few times before pulling the bunny towards himself. He sat up and looked around the empty room and decided to venture out into the hallway. He really didn't want to panic, after all, Saku- Ryuichi, was being so serious, if Shuichi acted childish, would Ryuichi send him home? Sighing, he cautiously descended the stairs and came across more empty rooms, peeking outside he took notice that Ryu's bike was gone too. 'Hello self, meet panic!'.

Shuichi decided that remaining calm was no longer on his priority list; Ryuichi Sakuma had abandoned him in this old dusty house! Dear God what was he going to do? Without any idea of where he was Shuichi went into full panic mode, he ran in circles, jumped on the couch, which sent dust everywhere, he couldn't breath so he ran outside, it was here his foot meet with a slippery mud patch.

Shuichi went sliding down the sort of mini hill behind the house and screamed his poor lungs out the whole way. He finally reached the bottom of said hill and continued to slide, right through some bushes, past a few thick trees and right into a small…pond? Shuichi finally stopped screaming his head off and looked around. He felt something slimy rub against his leg, looking down he saw fish, lots of fish! Little itty-bitty fish that were all sorts of blues and golds were swimming all around him, curiously coming up to him and rubbing against him. Entrancing as the fishes were, Shuichi realized he should get out of the water and focus in the problem at hand, calming down he stood up.

Shuichi trekked back up to the Sakuma household and went back inside, careful to leave his shoes by the door. Ryuichi still had not returned, if he was going to at all. Shuichi sneezed and quickly grabbed a blanket off of the back of the couch before wrapping himself in it. He picked up kumagoro, who had been dropped in his panic attack, and settled on the couch. He was cold, hungry, and very scared. So he did the first thing that came to mind, he sang.

_ima mo todokanu hikari no yukue azayaka ni mau omoi o egakou_

_michibiku kotoba ga koborete shimawanu you ni utsuru toki o osorenaide_

He loved this song, it would forever hold a place in his soul, and it was the song Ryuichi saved him with. The one Ryuichi sang to him, for him, to encourage him to not give up.

_umarekawari no anata yo hitori hohoemanaide hitomi o irodoru_

_nozonda__ sekai ga totsuzen hai ni natte mo kiseki wa mada megurikuru_

And that night as Ryuichi sang, Shuichi had never felt so humbled before in his life, especial how Ryuichi sang it as a ballad instead if its normal fast paced rhythm. Shuichi was about to sing the last verse, when he was stopped by someone else singing. His eyes widened.

_todokanu hikari no yukue azayaka ni mau omoi o egakou_

_michibiku kotoba ga koborete shimawanu you ni utsuru toki o osorenaide_

Shuichi looked up into the blue eyes of Ryuichi who seemed to loom over him on the couch. Ryuichi raised an eyebrow at Shuichi's appearance. Muddy, wet, random sticks and leaves mixed in with his hair, not to mention, obviously on the path to a nice cold. Ryuichi shook his head and jumped the back of the couch to sit next to a very stunned, overly relieved, and extremely happy pink haired singer who tackled him to the floor the second he made contact with the seat cushions.

Ryuichi just stared as Shuichi held tight to him, he couldn't help but smile and start removing twigs, leaves, and a stray caterpillar from Shu's hair. Ryu gently pushed him off before throwing the small collection outside. He came back in the room to see a quivering lump of blanket.

Gently lifting the hem, he crawled under until he could see Shuichi curled up in a small ball.

"Shu-chan? What's the matter, na no da?"

Shuichi responded by shaking his head and cuddling to Ryuichi's chest.

"Shuichi?" it was then that Ryuichi could feel the tears staining the front of his shirt. He wrapped his arms tightly around Shuichi and stroked his back. "What's wrong Shu-chan?"

"I thought, hic, that you had ab-ab- abandoned me here…." This was followed by a characteristic "Waaaaaaaaaaaah!" Ryu held Shuichi as tight as possible and rubbed gentle circles on his back.

"No, no Shu-chan, Ryu-chan would never do that, na no da. Nope, nope, never ever. Ryu-chan couldn't possible leave Shu-chan!" Ryuichi looked about ready to burst into tears himself.

"Then, hic, w-w-w-where d-d-d-did you g-g-go?" Shuichi was stammering through tears, and Ryu felt his chest tighten.

"To get some groceries, no da. We can't go hungry while were here, that would be bad!" Ryuichi wiped Shuichi's tears away with his thumbs. "Aren't you hungry Shu-chan?"

Shuichi nodded and allowed Ryu to pull him to his feet. Ryu smiled at Shuichi and led them toward the kitchen. He rubbed the back oh his neck nervously, "Gomen, Shu-chan. I'm not the best cook, but I know how to make a few things! Na no da!"

"Oh no, Sa- uh, Ryuichi-kun, I can't cook at all, so you don't have to apologize." Ryuichi was in full chibi mode as he tilted his head at an angle. "I mean, if it came to me cooking to save my life, I'd be dead in a matter of days."

Ryuichi laughed. "Oh silly Shu-chan!" Ryuichi grabbed kumagoro from Shuichi's arms and placed him on top of his head. "Kumagoro says that you can cook, you just need to practice no da!"

A small smile registered on Shuichi's face, but it was more sad than happy. "I guess, but Yuki doesn't ever let me-" Shuichi just stared wide-eyed as Ryuichi's lips meet his own, it was soft, almost non-existent, but completely and utterly loving none the less. Shuichi sniffled as Ryu pulled back.

"Shuichi, I brought you here to get away, so let's get away!" Shuichi's stomach chose that moment to rumble and both singers looked down at it and Ryu laughed. "We can start by making breakfast!"

Shuichi nodded, "I'd like that very much."

Ryuichi was in the process of showing Shuichi how to flip a pancake, when Ryuichi's phone went off, loudly blasting spicy marmalade through out the entire kitchen. Both singers jumped and the pancake fell to the floor. Ryuichi glared ruefully at his phone before walking over to it. The display showed K's number. Ryuichi was very much prepared to ignore it in favor of more alone time with Shuichi, but the look on said boys face made him feel awful guilty and he answered in a very much adult sounding tone.

"Can I help you K?"

"Where is he?"

Ryu sighed quietly, he knew it would come to this, but it still didn't make the conversation easier. Ruffling Shuichi's hair, he made his way out of the kitchen.

"Look K, the kid needed a break, so I'm giving him one; all I ask is one week, seven days, and we'll be back. No harm done." 'at least to any of you' he couldn't help but add as he felt his chest constrict.

"Ryuichi, if one pink hair on his head comes back even the least bit frazzled, you're going to face a very bad wrath between myself and Rage."

"Yeah, I know, but I'm not worried. Now go away, we're on vacation." Ryuichi hung up with out waiting for a reply. He turned off his phone and went back into the kitchen. As he did, he noticed the pancake had been properly cleaned up, and that the cleaner of said pancake was huddled up in a little ball under the hanging counter.

Ryuichi sat next to him and he stared down the length of his long, splayed out legs and sighed.

"We have to back, don't we?" it was so soft, not even a whisper.

Ryu couldn't stop the dry laugh that left him. "We do, but not yet."

Shuichi lifted his head a bit and peered through pink bangs at his idol. "What do you mean, 'not yet'?"

"We're on vacation Shu-chan. I'm not taking you back until you've relaxed a bit."

Shuichi lowered his head again so Ryu could no longer see his eyes. "And what exactly do you have in mind for relaxing?"

Ryuichi was about to respond with 'By eating for starters!' when his brain had a, for lack of better word, fangasm. Shuichi had maneuvered himself so he was stretched out between Ryu's legs and was resting his head on Ryu's right thigh while a hand was playing up and down his left. Unsure of what to do with the situation Ryu vetoed chibi mode and settled for stiffly running his fingers through Shuichi's hair.

Shuichi didn't seem to mind and actually leaned into his gentle fingers, letting a soft moan escape his lips. Ryuichi continued running his fingers through that pink hair while Shuichi seemed to doze. As a matter of fact, the only way that Ryu was sure Shu was awake were those tantalizing fingers running along the seam of his jeans.

"Aren't you hungry Shu-chan?"

A mumbled 'no' was all Ryu got in response. Gently, so as not to disturb Shuichi more than necessary, Ryuichi slipped downward until Shuichi's head rested on his lower chest. Still running his fingers through that strawberry hair, Ryuichi realized that the coming week would be hell, but there was no one else on the planet that he'd go through it for, 'Shuichi, aishiteru…'. It was funny, how at the times when he no longer had to worry about putting on a mask, or being happy for the sake of being happy that he tried his hardest to please.

* * *

cha, i like how this is working out. fluffy and still very much adult rated, or at least it will be. as i'm sure you can tell. i'm trying my hand at something less, painful for our characters. also, they are a bit ooc, but then they are in the middle fo nowhere, quite seriously, and without the pressures of everyday life. 

anyway, review and let me know what you think. i'll try and get the next chapter out within the next few days.

buddy


	3. trying to leave everything behind

Something was wrong. Yuki never smelled like pancakes. Without even opening his eyes, Shuichi was able to deduce that he was not on the couch, or in bed, but rather, on really cold tile. Another thing on top of all that was that he was being held. Yuki never held him, unless Yuki was passed out and Shuichi and moved him to do so. Peeking through half-lidded eyes and a veil of pink, Shuichi saw a bright yellow t-shirt under his check, opening his eyes a bit more he saw that he was asleep on a kitchen floor, various bowls adorned the counter-tops and the body beneath his, it wasn't even built like Yuki's, was breathing an even slow rhythm that meant who ever it was, was asleep.

Shuichi slowly sat up and looked down at a sight that was almost as cute as Yuki, key word; almost. His god, and idol Ryuichi Sakuma was sleeping, he looked even younger sleeping, almost boyish. It all came back in a rush. He was at Ryuichi Sakuma's childhood house, he never called Yuki, not to mention he was starving and the room was uncomfortable cold. 'Oh… my… god! I didn't call Yuki!'

Careful no to disturb the peaceful god lying on the floor Shuichi stood on shaky legs and went to Find his phone, he couldn't find it in the den so he checked the only other place he could think of, Ryuichi's bedroom. The stairs didn't look to daunting so he start climbing, halfway up he was breathing hard and a cold sweat had formed on his brow. He nearly toppled backward when a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist and he was lifted up as though he were a baby. He blinked and tried to think. Where was he again?

He was hardly aware of what was going on, his head hurt and the lights were a bit too bright and the air was far too cold. He came too though, when his body was submerged into a warm bath up to his chin. He sat up in a hurry, sloshing water over the sides of the bath tub. He was greeted with the sight of a soaking Ryuichi surrounded by steam. He nearly screamed; Ryuichi had him in a bath tub? Looking down he only made matters worse, he was naked! His god had seen him naked! Only Yuki was allowed that privilege!

"Uhm, Sakuma-san…. Why am I, I mean, uh… why am I naked in a bath tub?"

"Shu-chan, it's normal to be naked while taking a bath."

"But, Uhm… well…"

"I didn't peek, don't worry." Ryuichi looked serious, "I would never do something like that to you Shuichi."

Shuichi suddenly felt very guilty. Ryuichi look almost upset at him and Shuichi could just see the list of reasons why. Ryuichi reached forward and Shuichi closed his eyes as if braced for an impact.

"Shuichi? I'm not going to hit you." The hand withdrew, intention's forgotten.

Shuichi cracked one eye open. "Sa-Sakuma-san, I, I'm sorry!" Shuichi bowed his head and felt tears forming in his eyes. "I do really want to be here with you, but I miss Yuki and I mean, what's he going to think when he finds out that I'm here with you and I don't want him to think I'm cheating on him because I love him so much and he might leave me, but I really don't want him to and-" once again Shuichi was cut short by Ryuichi's lips, only this time they were on his forehead.

"Shu-chan, I didn't bring you here to make you cheat on Yuki, or to break you two up. I brought you here because you need a break from the mainstream; we all do at some point or another. So quit worrying, kumagoro says its not good to worry, it will make your hair turn white! So just relax and enjoy your bath. I'll make some dinner and we can eat, na no da!"

Shuichi stared blankly at Ryuichi. He nodded slowly and sank even slower back into the water. Ryu stood and left the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Shuichi sank lower until his whole body was submerged, what on earth had he done to deserve this? What the hell had he been thinking coming all the way out here with Ryuichi Sakuma, the person who had professed his love to Shuichi in front of Yuki, claimed Shuichi was his, the person Shuichi had had wet dreams about in high school, the person he had idolized since he first heard him sing? What had Shuichi been thinking? Yuki was going to leave him now for sure!

And damn it all, he still hadn't called his lover. Who knew what Yuki was thinking? Shuichi came up for air and sighed. He should have felt guiltier than he did, but for some reason his mind kept repeating what Ryuichi had said earlier, that this was just a break for Shuichi, because god knew Shuichi needed one. His idol had also once said that he would never make Shuichi do anything he didn't want to, but that had happened at NG when Shuichi had asked Ryu if he meant it when he said that if Shu was anybody's slave it was his.

He resisted the urge to drown himself and sat up to grab the shampoo, he still felt dirty from his little escapade outside earlier.

Ryuichi was sitting on the kitchen counter while he let the ramen come to a boil. What had he been thinking, that getting Shuichi alone would mean the kid would fall into his arms? Of course not! How could he have been so stupid? Ugh! Shuichi was probably sitting in the bath thinking about how stupid his "idol" really was. Resisting the urge to bang his head against the nearest available surface he jumped off the counter and set the ramen out into two bowls. He could hear Shuichi blow-drying his hair.

After setting gout both bowls, Ryuichi was gazing into his own when a hand fluttered in front of his face. "Saku- I mean, Ryuichi-kun, I'm sorry about earlier. I, well I panicked."

Ryuichi was staring at Shuichi with a calculated look in his eyes. Shuichi stared back. "I understand Shuichi, I made you some soup."

"Thank you." They ate in silence, occasionally they would glance at one another, but it never lasted long.

As tense as it should have been, it wasn't. Afterward Shuichi excused himself to call Yuki and Ryuichi went to see what was left for him to mess with in the house. Shuichi was absolute ecstatic to call Yuki, he wondered if his lover was worried about it him. It turns out Yuki was hell bent on killing Ryuichi when they returned. It turned out that K had told Yuki that they would be away for a week. Shuichi wondered when that was established, but shrugged it off none the less.

What surprised Shuichi the most during his conversation with Yuki was the romance novelist's anger at Ryuichi, and not at himself. Yuki had recovered for his blindness, and seemed a tad over-possessive of Shuichi, so the fact that Shuichi was with his only rival seemed to make him very, very, cold toward every one and everything. Shuichi was left in even more shock when Yuki hung up after saying, "What ever makes you happy, Shuichi."

Shuichi was torn between being overjoyed at Yuki's concern, and crying at how Yuki had just practically given up on him. He sank down on the floor. He was so unsure of himself! He nearly felt like screaming. Why did Yuki never make sense? Maybe he had faith in Shuichi, just like Ryuichi said. Yuki didn't believe Shuichi would leave him, and yet, he was still jealous of Ryuichi. It scared Shuichi how he had every right to be.

Shuichi took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. Shuichi would not cheat on Yuki! He would not, could not, and should most definitely not cheat on his lover! But dear god, just envisioning Ryuichi last night, sprawled out on the bed, and then, when they woke up earlier this afternoon was making it rather clear he was going to have a hard time. The man was a walking wet dream! Shuichi banged his head as hard as he could against the floor. How dare he have such thoughts! He loved Yuki!

"Shuichi?" Startled, Shuichi spun around to come face to face with a serious Ryuichi. Only, as soon as he saw the blood that was dripping down Shu's face, from his head-butt, he broke into a series of giggles and a strange sort of concern. "Oh silly Shu-chan! What did you do? Did you bang your head on the" he had to stop here to giggle like a little kid "the floor? That had to hurt Shu-chaaaaan!"

Shuichi stared in shock. Ryuichi smelled funny. Shuichi couldn't place it very well, but it smelled a little like under the bleachers from his high school. Holy shit, was Ryuichi high? Grabbing hold of his idol's face, Shuichi checked his pupils. They were dilated all right, now Shuichi was no expert, but he guessed that his idol wasn't high enough to disregard his surroundings, but enough to make him act all weird. Looking at Ryu now, he could see that he was serious all over again. Maybe, being so jacked up made it hard for Ryu to control how he appeared on the outside?

"Shuichi?" Ryuichi looked scared.

"Ryuichi, are you high?"

That did it, Ryu pulled back as though he was scared shitless by Shuichi. "Don't hate me, okay? You never have to talk to me again, but please, please Shuichi, don't hate me."

Shuichi's eyes widened, why would Ryuichi say something like that? "Ryuichi-kun? I don't hate you." Ryuichi looked up rather confused after hearing this. "Why would I hate you?"

Ryuichi looked like he was stuck mid-persona change as he whispered "Tohma and Noriko-chan found out about, about-" Shuichi noticed he seemed stuck on what to say, he ended up sighing, "me getting high when I came out here." He looked up at Shuichi with sad eyes, eyes that looked so much saner than they did a moment ago. "They weren't happy. They were really, really angry."

Shuichi slowly moved until he was sitting in front of Ryuichi. "Why then? Why do you still do it?"

Ryuichi looked up, pain written across his features. "I don't know Shuichi. I'm not addicted; it's the only way I can think of to forget."

Shuichi cupped Ryuichi's face in his hands. Curiously, he lifted that face until their eyes meet. "Forget what?"

Shuichi felt his heart stop in his chest when a very serious, very sexy, very scary Ryuichi pulled him forward into a bruising kiss that nearly hurt. "It helps me forget that he got you first." Stunned, eyes wide, mouth slightly open, Shuichi was kissed again, not nearly as forceful, but almost regretfully. "It also lets me forget that I don't stand a chance."

Shuichi scared and stunned them both when he leaned forward and pressed their lips together again.

* * *

dear kami, i'm going to hell. ryu's doing drugs -shakes head in horror- and i just realized i made shuichi seem a bit sluttish in this chapter, but he's not. he has his reasons for thinking the way he does. his lover and his god, how do you honestly compare those?

i truly hope you enjoy this chapter. i like to update pretty fast because if i stall the plot will loose its magic with me, and i won't want to write it anymore. happened like twice already. please review! buddy


	4. my heartbeat

Ryuichi was stunned; the pot he had miraculously found and stupidly decided to smoke had almost worn off. Damn, he had quite a resistance to the stuff, maybe he should stop; either that or his metabolism was on high speed. But that wasn't what had him stunned, it was the look on Shuichi's face from where he sat across from Ryuichi, after initiating a kiss that made Ryu dislike Eiri Yuki even more. It had been soft, sweet… innocent. Hell, Ryu had gone fucking hard from that kiss, it wasn't even meant in that way anyway, he could tell from the panic in Shu's eyes. It had been a mistake, an action before thought. Shuichi was probably cursing himself in everyway he knew.

"I'm sorry! I'm so, so, so sorry! Oh please forgive me Sakuma-san!" Shuichi was crying, head bowed, tears dripping to the floor. A pitiful site that made Ryuichi's blood boil.

"Do not say sorry."

Shuichi felt like the temperature had dropped several hundred degrees. He looked up into Ryuichi's eyes and saw something akin to hate. "Sakuma-san, I, I don't know what to say!"

Shuichi fell backwards as kumagoro was launched into his face. Kumagoro bounced off his face and he was greeted by Ryuichi's smoldering blue eyes glaring down at him. Shuichi wasn't sure what was going on in his head, he was very scared, very, very scared; Ryuichi looked about ready to kill him, crouched over him on all fours. But Shuichi also felt the tightening in his groin, maybe he was a masochist, a scary Ryuichi equaled a sexy Ryuichi. Ryuichi must have seen the internal conflict in his face, because he rolled off of Shu and came to rest next to him.

"You don't have to say sorry, I should be the one apologizing. I shouldn't have kissed you. And stop calling me 'Sakuma-san' you sound like a fucking paparazzi." Ryuichi sounded deadly serious, and looked the part as his face was veiled in half-shadows from the setting sun.

Shuichi rolled on his side so he could look at Ryuichi. He propped himself up in his elbow and used his free hand to reach toward Ryuichi's face. He wanted to brush the hair out of the man's face, but his arm was caught in a tight grip and then tugged on. The force of the tug caused Shuichi to fall upon his idol's chest. Shuichi stiffened and tried to pull himself up, but Ryu held him firm. Shuichi conceded that he was weaker than Ryuichi and settled for looking at his idol from an angle. Ryuichi had his eyes closed and he was taking deep slow breaths. "Shuichi, you have to understand. I love you, I love you so much its killing me. But I would never do anything to hurt you, nor would I force you to do anything you don't want to do, I want you to be happy, and shit… I'm rambling. Sorry."

Ryuichi looked down at the pink haired boy resting against his chest. Shuichi seemed confused, almost as if he wasn't sure what to do, or what was coming next. He laid his head back down in the ground with a soft thud. Ryuichi Sakuma, the man who nearly single-handedly etched the name "Nittle Grasper" into the worlds mind was about ready to scream at himself. How could he have acted so stupidly! He clenched his eyes shut and willed himself to calm down; he was over reacting. Sure, the matter at hand wasn't exactly small, but still, he could fix this, he could, and he would.

He opened his eyes as he felt Shuichi shift to straddle his stomach. It was hard to see him in the dark of the room, but the light from the moon helped him out. 'Shu-chan looks angry.' He mused; the kid had every right to be. Ryuichi may have been a rock god, but he was still a human. Nobody knew that better than Shuichi. He sighed softly when angry tears slipped down Shuichi's face, now he really hated himself. How did Yuki live knowing he made Shuichi cry? Just these little tears he kept shedding and Ryuichi was ready to give his whole world up if it would make Shuichi smile again.

Shuichi looked at Ryuichi; the man looked angry, and remorseful. Shuichi's breath caught in his throat when Ryuichi started crying too. Soft, silent tears that crept from the corners of his eyes into his hair, tears that made Shuichi even angrier, "You are not allowed to cry!" it came out as a chocked sob, but had such emotion behind it. "You can't cry because you have nothing to cry about! We're on vacation! You said we'd get away from all our problems!" Shuichi began hitting his fists against Ryu's chest, not enough to hurt really, but it was enough to let Ryu know it could hurt. "You promised, you promised!"

Shuichi fell forward and kissed Ryuichi, a hot, forceful kiss that left his head spinning. Shuichi kissed him insistently, gently biting at his lips and then swiping over them with the tip of his hot little tongue. Now Ryuichi was still very much stoned, not enough though to let Shuichi continue this kiss. Dear god no, he pried Shuichi off his mouth and opened his to tell Shu to stop, the words never left his mouth, but a tongue did enter it. Ryu groaned deep in his chest, what was wrong with him?

Shuichi abandoned his mouth and kissed every other inch of his face that he could, his hairline, his eyelids, the trails of tears on the sides of his face, his nose, his chin, his jaw, his ears, his neck, his chest, by now, Ryuichi Sakuma had two choices; let Shuichi continue, because by god it felt so good to be so loved and touched like this, or stop the kid and save the heartache he was sure they'd both suffer from.

He chose the latter, but fuck; Shuichi was persistent. So Ryuichi said the only thing he could think at the time, "You're willing to cheat on Yuki?"

That got him, how did Ryu know it would work? Shuichi pulled away fast, practically flew, and ended up against the wall, staring at Ryu in shock, then down at his own body as though it had betrayed him. Ryu expected Shuichi to cry, break down into a puddle of goop; he hadn't expected Shuichi to take running up the stairs. Unsure of what was going through the younger singers mind; he followed, albeit a bit slower, but still following. He saw the last of the pink blur speed into his room. He peeked in and saw Shuichi had curled up on the middle of the bed, under the covers and was shivering. He decided to leave the light off; it was more calming this way.

"Shuichi, it's okay. You don't have to cry." Ryuichi wished he hadn't sounded so broken when he spoke.

The lump under the blankets shivered more and a strange sound was heard coming from under the blankets, although it wasn't strange to Ryu, he had heard it so much, he had longed to hear it while in America, it was something that always made or broke his spirits; Shuichi was singing. Singing out his soul, he sounded so angry. Ryuichi could sympathize; he sat on the edge of the bed and listened to Shuichi's song. He'd never heard the words before, but they made him feel alive again, fuck it; they made him feel alive period.

Shuichi's voice suddenly became softer, sadder, questioning something; a pair of warm hands settled on his shoulders and pulled him back to rest against a small chest that rumbled with the music spilling from Shuichi's soul. Ryuichi felt the hands skim around to hug him to that pliable body behind him. He sensed rather than heard what Shuichi was asking; he grated the request and sang too. The song was smooth, creamy almost, filled with long notes that quaked with vibrato. It was soft, hardly loud enough to be heard, but almost deafening in the silence of the house.

Their voices mixed and blended, filled out all the spaces left by the other, Ryuichi didn't even know what was coming out of his mouth anymore, and he couldn't remember the last time he had sung like this. Sung his soul, not written lyrics, not prearranged sheet music, not anything other than himself, he also could not remember the last time he had sung his soul to someone else, someone who sang theirs right back.

Their duet, one that would forever live on between them, as shiny as their hearts, slowly came to an end when Shuichi maneuvered them so he was face to face with Ryuichi. Shuichi didn't look ready to cry, as a matter of fact he looked like he just had, but his eyes were soft as were his hands where they cupped Ryu's face. Shuichi pressed his face against the side of his neck and took deep breaths. Ryu was also breathing deeply; good deep cleansing breaths that made his soul feel lighter. Shuichi's gentle, exquisite fingers were running through his hair, over his face, around his neck, everywhere, as if to reassure himself that this was reality.

Ryuichi responded in kind, running his fingers through that pink hair; it was so much softer than it looked. He caressed his way down, working knots out of the base of the boys' neck, shoulders, and back. He made sure to keep his hands clean, he didn't want to Shuichi to think he was taking advantage of him, and ended by rubbing soothing circles up and down Shuichi's back and shoulders. He was almost positive Shu was asleep, but wasn't surprised when he looked up into glimmering maroon pools. Shuichi leaned down pressing their foreheads together. "Yuki told me to do what makes me happy."

Ryuichi caught what Shuichi was trying to say, but opted for keeping silent and letting Shuichi vocalized his thoughts. Shuichi pressed his face to Ryu's neck again.

"Ryuichi, I don't know what makes me happy anymore." Ryu noted two things, Shu had said his name informally, and Shuichi hadn't sounded confused. "I mean, I love Yuki, but, ever since he caught you kissing me at NG, he's been… different." Ryuichi stayed silent more, but gave the boy a small squeeze. "He still hasn't told me he loves me, but I know he does. When we do it, he's gentle, loving, like he's afraid to break me. But he already broke me, he needs to try and put me back together. I'm still so hurt, it hurts, so much. Ryu, I don't know what to do anymore, one minute Yuki is my support beam, and the next he's pushing me away because he's jealous. What do I do? How do I show him I love him?"

Ryuichi's heart felt sore, it ached in ways he never knew it could. "I wish I knew Shu, I wish I knew."

Shuichi pushed himself up to stare down into Ryuichi's eyes again. His face was calm, but his eyes looked pained, tired, lost, hopeful, even loving as he stared down into Ryu's eyes. "What you told Yuki, about not taking me for granted, did you mean it?" Ryuichi nodded slowly. He couldn't have spoken if he wanted to. "Ryuichi, do you take me for granted, or do you love unconditionally, like you said?"

Ryuichi's eyes snapped up to meet those curious purple ones. "Shuichi," Ryu hadn't realized how cruel he could truly sound. "I am not going to be on a whim for you." Shuichi looked taken aback. Ryuichi sighed and tried to explain. "If I do something with you, I want it to actually mean something; I am not a replacement, or a substitute. No matter how much I love you, I refuse to let you play me."

Shuichi smiled with his eyes. "Exactly what I wanted to hear," Ryu raised an eyebrow at this. "I love you Ryuichi, I have since the first time I ever heard Nittle Grasper perform. Since the first time I saw your face on the cover of the cd case. I love you so much, I obsessed over you for years, the first time I meet you, I nearly died; I couldn't believe I was meeting the object of desire. I love you so very much, but the love I have for you is different from the love I have for Yuki." Shuichi closed his eyes and didn't look like he was going to continue.

"How, how is it different?"

Shuichi opened his eyes again, "I fell in love with Yuki because he pushed me to be better at everything, to act more mature, to grow up, and to withstand pressure. He showed me tough love, and that everything is worth fighting for. He was love at first sight, my blessing and my curse. I will always love him, no matter what." Ryuichi could feel his heart cracking. "I love you, Ryuichi, because every time my heart couldn't go on, or my will was broken, I just had to hear your voice, or see your face, and I would be okay again. I love you because you love me, truly and wholly, whether in song, or in spirit. And no matter how many times everyone had given up on me, you didn't. You, Ryuichi, are my heartbeat, my will to survive, my desire to grow stronger, and for that, I will always love you as well."

Ryuichi didn't know what to say. No one, not any of his past lovers or his friends, or even family had ever said something like that about him. He held Shuichi close, he loved this boy so much, so fucking much. But something bothered him, "Shuichi, you can't have us both."

Shuichi nodded slowly, and Ryu saw tears slowly crawl down his face. "I want you Ryu, right now, I want you."

"And later, when we leave this dusty old house?"

Shuichi lowered his head and hid behind his bangs. "He pushed me away again Ryuichi, maybe he did it out of confusion, or maybe he did it out of love, but he still did it."

Ryuichi knew who he was, but it still didn't answer his question. "So?" he pushed Shuichi's hair out of his eyes. They were determined, hard, unwavering under the surface, but they still held fear.

"He told me to do what makes me happy." Ryu narrowed his eyes slightly. "Ryuichi, you've never made me feel sad. He pushed me away, so I wouldn't feel trapped. It worked, I don't, because I have you, my heartbeat, my soul, to guide me. I'm free, because he let me go, and right now, the only thing I can even imagine making me feel happy, is you."

Ryuichi stared into Shuichi's eyes. He knew he shouldn't trust Shuichi, the kid had to be in some kind of pain, but he didn't want to push him away.

Shuichi saw Ryuichi struggling and nestled down to place a soft, chaste kiss on Ryuichi forehead. "I know... you don't have to say anything now." Shuichi yawned. "We'll work it out in the morning, but for now, think about what I said. I'll be happy to just to know that you're still my friend. It doesn't have to be more than that, but know that it could."

Ryu looked down to see his and Shuichi's bodies nestled against one another, as if they were meant to be that way. "Shuichi, I love you, you think about that. I don't want you to be hurt. I really don't."

Shuichi nodded, "I know Ryu, and that's exactly why I'd be able to let go of Yuki, because you love me, and you wouldn't let me become hurt and broken. And if I was, you'd help me put the pieces back together."

Ryuichi smiled softly and placed a kiss against Shuichi's temple. Maybe it was worth a shot. He looked up at the glow-in-the-dark stars decorating his ceiling. "Aishiteru, Shuichi. Sweet dreams, na no da." He felt Shuichi smile.

"Sweet dreams Ryuichi, I'll see you in dream land." And Shuichi fell asleep to the even breathing of Ryuichi.

* * *

a, and i quote you half-goddess-Katia, bittersweet chapter, one that i like very much.

-smiles- please review, i truly would like to know what you think about this chapter. and some input on how i moved yuki a little out of the way would be nice as well, i didn't want to go with the whoe yuki hates shuichi theme, but a more, yuki loves shuichi too much to hold him down anymore, type of thing.

thank you for reading. buddy


	5. Day two we're moving along

The day had started normal enough; both boys had woken up, shared a quick good morning kiss, and then took showers, separately; Ryuichi kept his distance a bit, even though Shuichi was more than willing. As of currently, Ryuichi was once again attempting to teach Shuichi how to flip a pancake, so far 4 out of 7 had survived. Out of the three that didn't, well, one was burnt beyond belief and edibility due to Shu-chan's amazing ability to distract Ryu without trying, the second had been cleaned off its place on the wall; Shuichi hadn't mastered the flip of the wrist yet, and the last had landed on poor kumagoro. Both singers had simply stared at kumagoro before cracking up.

After that event, cooking had been pretty easy, Shuichi's problem was his fear of it not working, as soon as he overcame it, cooking was nothing. Covered in batter, both boys sat down and ate, Ryuichi had bought some strawberry syrup on his grocery trip and it made for very good pancakes. Ryuichi was trying to get some strawberry syrup off of kumagoro when he heard someone giggle, knowing the only person to make that noise could have been Shuichi, he looked up to see what was so funny, and froze like bambi in oncoming traffic.

Shuichi was sucking on his fingers, one after the other. He started on just the tip, the slowly, oh so slowly took the entire finger into that moist cavern, made a little sound of pleasure before moving to the next, he was giggling between fingers. Ryuichi could only stare at the scene before him. Shuichi noticed his audience and blushed like mad. "I…uh… that is..." he blinked a few times before smiling nervously, "the syrup is just so good, and the cap broke so I got it all over my fingers, I didn't want them to be sticky, so I sucked them off…" as if realizing what he just said, Shuichi went redder that a tomato and hid his eyes underneath his bangs.

Ryu had decided that if he spoke, it would not be something very nice, or clean for that matter, and it was wiser to keep his mouth shut. He hadn't even bothered to cover kumagoro's eyes. He swallowed the lump in his throat and handed Shu a napkin. Shuichi, who was about four shades darker than his hair, ungraceful took at and wiped his fingers. He peeked up through his hair and Ryuichi couldn't help but think 'Kawaaaaaaiiiiiii!'. The rest of breakfast was very silent, and a tad awkward, what with Shuichi subconsciously being very cute and innocent, and Ryuichi doing his best to ignore him.

After their very stressed breakfast, and washing of the dishes, which had truthfully ended up as them washing each rather than dishes (who knew dish soap was so much fun to squirt at each other?) , they ended up sitting in Ryu's old room. Ryuichi was sitting in the floor going through old cds and books and other assorted junk, while Shuichi lay on his bed, head hanging off the edge and watching his god upside down. Ryuichi was giggling over something and Shuichi found his curiosity getting the better of him.

"Ryuichi? What are you laughing at?"

It seemed that he startled his idol, for Ryu had jumped and dropped whatever had held his attention. He turned to give Shuichi a very cute chibi smile before grabbing the item, now known as a photo album, and crawling over to stare into Shuichi's upside down face. "… Pictures."

Shuichi made a little face of confusion and Ryuichi couldn't but lean forward and catch those lips. It was different, kissing someone who was upside down to you, but the kiss was sweet, and very gentle, enough to make both singers turn all warm and gooey inside. Before tongues could be pulled into play Ryuichi had pulled back and crawled onto the bed. Shuichi was sitting up from oh so very comfortable spot to see Ryuichi watching him with that normal side showing through. He wordlessly passed the album to Shuichi and sat back against the wall that rested against the left side of the bed.

Shuichi looked thoughtful for a moment and then proceeded to crawl into a stunned Ryuichi's lap before opening the album across is own. He figured that if his idol looked as good as he did now, he only had to be cuter as a kid, and he was surprised to see a lanky brunette with braces stare back at him. He did a double take between the picture and man. "No way…"

"What's a matter Shu-chan?" Ryuichi looked smug. Shuichi couldn't understand how.

"You, I mean, no way! This is you?" he pointed to the picture of the boy who was smiling and wrapped in the arms of a very pretty woman.

Ryuichi nodded. "Not what you thought huh?" He laughed. "It gets better though. That's my mom." Ryuichi pointed to the woman, her hair wasn't very long; it brushed her shoulders and had a peculiar wave to it. She was smiling as well, holding her son like a prized jewel. Shuichi let his fingers softly run over the picture.

"Where is she?"

It was an innocent question, but it made Ryuichi wrap his arms around Shuichi and bury his face in that strawberry hair. "She passed away, about a year after this picture was taken." Shuichi leaned back and brought his hands up to run through Ryuichi's hair. He could feel Ryuichi smiling in his hair and turned his head to places a quick peck on Ryu's cheek. Ryuichi smiled, returned the gesture and pointed back down to the album.

Shuichi got the hint and turned to page, and came face to face with, a pizza… faced… Ryuichi? Shuichi couldn't help but laugh. "Man Ryu, for being such a stud you sure looked a lot different way back when."

Ryuichi shrugged and laughed. "Maybe, but hey, what could I have done?"

Shu nodded and turned the page again, teenage Ryuichi was sitting on a rocking chair holding a baby in his arms, said baby was trying to grab Ryu's hair. "That was my best friends' sisters' baby. I couldn't believe how small it was as I held it. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen." Ryuichi laughed, "she also though my hair was the tastiest thing ever. I never knew babies could drool so much."

Shuichi laughed. "I guess it can't be helped if you taste good." He felt more than heard Ryu chuckle.

Ryuichi rested his chin on Shuichi's shoulder and watched Shuichi's reactions to all the pictures. Shuichi was always so cute, this being no exception; they way his eyes would light up, or darken, all of them made Ryu's stomach flutter. He came out of his silent musings when Shuichi poked his nose.

"Ryu, who's this?" Shuichi was pointing to a picture of Ryu and a rather bored looking man.

"He was my best friend. Man we were inseparable. Tohma hated his guts though, and Noriko had a crush on him." Shuichi looked back at him, silently begging for more. "We grew up together. Our fathers worked together a lot, so we were left to ourselves quite a bit. We were really different, he would want to read a book, and I'd want to go run in the fields. It didn't' change the fact that we cared about each other though." Ryuichi looked dazed.

"And where is he? Do you two still talk?"

Ryuichi shook his head silently. "He didn't like the fact that I became a singer, so he refused to speak with me anymore. A few years later I heard he became the CEO of his dad's business, a few years after that I heard he was in rehab for a hell of a lot of drugs. When he got out, he overdosed and died. Well, not really, but he's brain dead. I tried to visit, but he doesn't remember anyone. I wanted to die looking at him in that stupid hospital."

Shuichi was in shock, since when did people as nice and caring as Ryuichi end up having lives like that. He looked down at the picture and couldn't imagine the man standing there in rehab, or a hospital. He turned to look at Ryu only to see that the man was staring at him. Shuichi wasn't sure what to say, his idol had just told him something so personal, something most people would have kept to themselves. Shuichi laid the album down a bit away from them and turned around to face Ryuichi.

"Ryu-chan, I'm sorry about your friend. I know there's nothing I can do about it, but I'll always be here for you." Shuichi cupped Ryu's face and leaned forward till their noses touched. Ryuichi looked up, serious mode firmly in place; it seemed Shuichi got to see a lot of it on this little trip/vacation. Shuichi was momentarily stunned, this wasn't just serious Ryuichi, this was also scary Ryuichi, and Shuichi wasn't exactly sure what was going on behind those piercing eyes.

Shuichi didn't have time to decide as he was spun around and ended up against the wall held firmly in place by a kneeling Ryuichi. Shuichi now firmly came to the decision that Ryuichi was to be very much feared at the moment, so he was all in all surprised further when gentle lips pressed against his own. Ryu kissed him so softly, tenderly, and with love behind it, Shuichi felt his whole body heat up. Ryu pressed deeper, slipping his tongue out to press between Shuichi's lips.

Shuichi gasped and it allowed Ryu to seal their lips to one another, tongue sweeping all over the inside of Shu's mouth. Ryuichi continued pressing forward until their bodies were flush against each other on hand tangling in pink hair while the other slipped down Shuichi's side, over his hip and then around to grope his ass. Shuichi groaned and allowed his hands to roam around as well, one sliding up Ryu's back to get a hold of his hair at the nape of his neck, the other also took a downward path toward Ryu's hip where a firm grip was established as Shuichi pulled them even closer than the were before.

Ryu tilted his head a bit and gently bit Shuichi's bottom lip before running his tongue over it. Shuichi thrust his hips against Ryuichi's flat, firm stomach and moaned wantonly, Ryuichi reciprocated the action, grinding his hips against Shuichi'. A few deep breathe were taken as they pulled apart to tug at each other's shirts. Once the garments were removed Ryuichi was pressed against Shuichi even harder than before. Shuichi grabbed at Ryu's belt loops in an attempt to get his god to do something more than just kiss him, but Ryuichi would have none of that.

Shuichi tried desperately to thrust against Ryu again but was stopped when he felt Ryuichi's finger thread through his own, his hands were forced up to either side of his head and Ryu resumed the kiss, this time with a hard grind of his hips to accompany his tongue's movements. Shuichi was writhing against his idol, god, this felt so good, Ryuichi was pushing all the right buttons to make Shuichi's head spin. He was hardly aware of his hands being released, and laid them on Ryuichi shoulders, digging his nails in. Ryuichi groaned and Shuichi had an idea, keeping his nails firmly pressed to the hot body against him, he scraped them down Ryu's chest, over his hard nipples and down to his pant line before turning his hands and coming back up.

Ryuichi's body had gone rigid during Shuichi's assault, but now he wanted revenge. Releasing Shu's lips Ryuichi bent down to take one of Shu's nipples in his mouth, he bit down hard enough to make Shu hiss before sucking on it for all he was worth, he worked the other nipple in much the same manner before returning to that delectable mouth. Ryuichi reached down to the button on Shu's pants and pulled out of the kiss to ask if Shuichi was sure, Shuichi only nodded before kissing him again, Ryu slipped his hand into Shuichi's pant and wrapped his fist loosely around Shuichi.

Shuichi groaned and was about to open Ryu's pants as well when an irritating sound, something very similar to a doorbell. Ryuichi growled low in his throat. Shuichi didn't seem to care and kept up his assault, getting the button on Ryu's jeans open and the fly down, when Ryu stopped him. "I have to answer that."

The bell rang again.

Shuichi didn't want to seem one tracked, but damn it, this was going too far. "Give me one good reason and I'll consider it." He promptly went back to kissing Ryuichi's neck.

Ryu arched under the onslaught. "Do you like starving Shuichi?"

"Depends on what I'm starving of." 'Damn that stupid doorbell! I'm not stopping now; I need Ryuichi, want Ryuichi, desperately!'

Ryuichi growled again before forcing his tongue as far as it went into Shuichi's mouth before pulling back and grabbing his shirt. "I'm not going to starve," Shuichi pouted and it was the sexiest thing Ryu had ever seen, lips swollen, fly open and the very tip of his cock peeking out, chest red from Ryuichi torture, it was so fucking hard to turn around and walk to the door. "We have a whole week Shu-chan na no da, plenty of time." He threw a devious smirk over his shoulder and went to answer the door that had been in the process of being banged on.

He signed the slip that said the deliveries had been made and winked at the delivery guy who stood there blushing the entire time, Ryuichi could only guess why, maybe it was his tussled hair, or too tight shirt, or maybe his undone fly, and the noticeable bulge beneath it? It didn't matter. He carried the box into the kitchen and set the entire thing in the fridge, it could wait, for now, there was something much more delectable upstairs waiting for him. And even though Ryu thought it was to soon for him and Shuichi to actually have sex, he decided a mutual hand job wouldn't hurt things, sure it might become awkward if Shuichi decides he did the wring thing, but it was a lot better than having sex and then pretending they didn't.

He walked back into his room, shirt already off and forgotten as he chucked it across the room. Shuichi was lying on the bed again, head hanging over the end, and in sweat pants. Ryuichi just stared. "Hey, you're the one who said we have plenty of time, and the thought that we have groceries to put away is a bit of a turnoff, besides those jeans were just too tight to be comfortable anymore, what with our previous activities and all."

Ryuichi laughed and grabbed a pair of sweat pants. Smirking at Shuichi he gave a slow strip tease, pushing his pants over his slender hips before letting them fall to the floor. He grabbed the sweat pants and slid them on; full aware of Shuichi's eyes following his hands as they guided the material up over his hips. He tied the draw string and climbed into bed running his fingers over Shuichi's bare chest. The younger singer giggled a bit and rolled himself over so he was draped across Ryuichi's body. "So, how much time do we have left here?"

Ryuichi pretended to look thoughtful for a moment "Well, that depends; how relaxed are you? Stressed?"

Shuichi looked very mischievous. "I'm pretty stressed, could take awhile till I feel better, I'm not sure."

Ryuichi ran a hand down Shuichi's back before ghosting over the boys' ass, "Any way I can help?"

Shuichi grinded down softly. "Lunch sounds good."

"Lunch it is, sandwiches okay?" Ryuichi could help the genki smile that spread across his face.

Shuichi practically purred. "Sandwiches are good. And desert?"

Ryuichi smirked. "I'm sure we'll figure it out."

Grabbing Ryu's hand, Shuichi guided them to the kitchen, and now faced a small dilemma, "Uh, Ryu, I don't know how to make a sandwich."

Ryuichi laughed. "Kumagoro said he'll teach you." And placed said pink mysteriously appearing bunny on Shuichi's head. Shuichi smiled.

"I'd like that."

* * *

oh i'm such a dirty rotten little tease!! I BLAME YOU BUDDIE!! i wanted tham to go all the way, but multiple things stopped me, i have a whole week to work with(in the story) and its only the second day, come on, where's the suspense! second, i got really shy and was freaking out (which is weird cuz writing lemons is fun) and couldn't bring myself to do it. 

oh well, let me know what you think anyway(reading reviews makes me a very happy buddy ). and have no fears! i assure you there will be a lemon in the future!! and no warning for when it gets here either! -blows you a rasberry-

te amo! buddy


	6. Romance hurts

After relinquishing the task of making sandwiches to Ryuichi, Shuichi had the brilliant idea that they should go on a picnic. Now Ryu wasn't to sure about that, he chanced a glance out at the overgrown, could he even call it a garden anymore? He wasn't sure, but needless to say, Ryuichi did not approve of that idea.

"Shuichi, lets be honest for a moment, if we go eat out there, we're likely to eat more bugs and overgrown fungus than we are actual food no da!"

Shuichi gave him big sparkly puppy dog eyes, with an adorable pout that made his bottom lip plump just a enough to catch Ryu's eyes.

Ryuichi forced himself to look away. His mistake was leaving the tray of food in plain reach of Shuichi. Ryu turned back around in time to watch Shuichi smirk at him before taking off outside. Ryuichi just watched him from the doorway. Something told him Shuichi wouldn't get far, and so it was that he didn't.

This was eerily similar to de ja vu, well, at least to Shuichi it was; Ryu was rather clueless. Ryuichi watched the boy run in the direction of the downhill slope that led to the lake, Shuichi was slowing down, and suddenly there was no Shuichi anymore, well, that is if his scream didn't count.

Ryuichi didn't think he could run as fast as he did, but the next thing he knew, he was at the bottom of the hill, knee deep in the koi pond, and staring at two hands sticking up from under water holding the tray of sandwiches. Ryuichi reached for the tray and then tried to see under all the little fishes that were swimming around. He tilted his head when he saw Shuichi wide-eyed under the surface, he was watching the fish. Ryuichi smiled, Shuichi was so easily entertained.

Shuichi came up for air and smiled at Ryuichi, taking a deep breath he said, "Remember the other day when I was all dirty?" Ryuichi nodded, "Well, now you know why."

Ryuichi laughed really big deep laughs that made Shuichi laugh as well. Ryuichi held out his hand for Shuichi to take and together they waded to shore. Ryuichi laughed as Shuichi shook himself off, wincing when he pulled the water out of his ears. And then took of his shirt off to wring it out. He put it back on and sat next to an amused Ryuichi. Shuichi just stared at the man before looking down toward the sandwiches.

"Uhm, do you think they're still edible?"

Ryuichi looked down at the still immaculate sandwiches. Picking one up he took a small bite. "I think they're fine."

Shuichi eyes lit up and he stared munching on one. Ryuichi smiled at Shuichi's enthusiasm and both boys ate their sandwiches in relative silence.

Ryuichi noticed, after they were done eating, that Shuichi was staring up at the sky. "What are you looking at Shu-chan?"

Shuichi smiled and didn't look away from the sky. "I'm waiting for a shooting star."

Ryuichi tilted his head, "Why?"

Shuichi looked at Ryuichi, and smiled, "So I can make a wish."

"What will you wish for Shu-chan?"

"I can't say."

"Why not? I won't tell."

Shuichi laughed, "It won't come true if I tell."

Ryuichi looked up at the sky before looking out over the water. "I know where there are lots of stars."

Shuichi turned his gaze to Ryu. "Where would that be?"

Ryuichi stood up at took off toward the water. "You have to follow me, na no da! Ryu-chan will guide the way!"

Shuichi looked puzzled for a moment and then followed. The water wasn't very deep, at first. Before Shuichi knew it, he had to stand on his tip toes to reach the bottom. He had never been more grateful to Maiko for teaching him to swim. Ryuichi was a very good swimmer Shuichi noted, much better than himself, but his idol made sure he kept up.

Shuichi was amazed by the size of what he once thought was a small pond, it was huge! The water level slowly dropped so Shuichi could walk he was so transfixed by the lush trees and flowers that grew out here he was startled when Ryuichi started singing. Shuichi smiled and began singing too, there were no words really, just their voices, and their souls, laid out for the other. Shuichi waded over to Ryuichi who stood looking over the pond. Giant kois could barely be swimming under the water, and the trees so thick that sunlight barely peeked through the leaves, casting everything in a surreal half shadow. Still singing, Ryuichi guided Shuichi to stand with him under a rather large tree, Shuichi smiled and looked back out over the water.

Shuichi heard Ryuichi softly murmur "Ready for star Shu-chan?" Before a firefly went by and Shuichi watched it dip and skim over the waters' surface, soon another joined the first. Then another, and another, until the entire area had a light glow to it; Shuichi nearly stopped singing. He felt a hand entwine with his own and he looked down to see Ryuichi's hand holding his tightly. Shuichi smiled and moved closer to Ryu. Together, they serenaded the fireflies that danced before them, in the fading light.

As they swam around the opening, a loud bang startled Shuichi into sinking under water. When he surfaced again Ryuichi was staring off into the distance at giant fireballs that were exploding in the air. They were loud, not all something pleasant on the ears, but now that Shuichi watched them a bit, he was willing to admit that they were quite pretty. Ryuichi noticed Shuichi staring and smiled.

"Fireworks."

Shuichi turned to look at his idol before returning his attention to the sky. "Fireworks?"

"Yes, fireworks. Today is the fourth of July."

"But isn't that an American holiday?"

"Yup. My old neighbors were from America. They always did fireworks today, they would come over, or we would go over and we'd do fireworks together, looks like the tradition lasted."

Shuichi moved so he was hugging Ryuichi under the water. "They're very loud."

"Yeah."

"But really pretty, shiny, pica, pica."

Ryuichi grinned. "Pica, pica, no da. Romantic too."

Shuichi blushed and held Ryuichi a bit tighter. "Romantic how?"

Ryuichi kissed Shuichi, nothing but a quick press of lips against lips, soft, subtle, but extremely romantic.

"Oh."

Ryuichi smirked and tugged a strand of Shuichi's soaked hair. "Think it's time to head back yet?"

Shuichi looked bashful, "Yeah."

Ryuichi nodded and pulled Shuichi in for another kiss before heading back in the direction of the house.

Upon arriving, it was decided that showers were in order. Shuichi went first while Ryu put away all the stuff they had used earlier. While Ryuichi was showering, Shuichi took the opportunity to look through the photo album from earlier. He found himself drawn to it, maybe it was because he wasn't normally allowed to look into the past, and here Ryuichi had laid it out for him. He looked over the pictures of Ryuichi's mom, his best friend, old, old pictures of Nittle Grasper before they were Nittle Grasper. He even came across a picture of a young Tohma with what looked like a young Mika, and was that Yuki in the back?

Shuichi could feel that creeping feeling in the back of his skull that told him Yuki was hurting. Was what Shuichi doing fair? Now that he thought about it, no. No it wasn't. Shuichi had to fight to hold back his tears. He had always promised not to hurt Yuki, and he had the strangest feeling that he was doing that right now. Keeping quite he grabbed his phone and snuck downstairs into the kitchen. He dialed the number he knew by heart and was greeted with a disgruntled not-Yuki answering.

Shuichi felt his heart drop as the all too familiar voice of one Tohma Seguchi filled his ear. "Moshi- moshi. Uesugi residence, Tohma speaking."

"Uh, Seguchi-san, where is Yuki?"

The almost pleasant tone Tohma had was now replaced by one of pure ice. "That is not of consequence."

"Please Seguchi-san! I really need to speak with him!" Shuichi could feel his tears burning the back of his eyelids.

"Well, Shindou-san, you should have thought of that sooner." Shuichi thought he heard Yuki in the back round saying something along the lines of hanging up the damn phone before the line went dead.

Shuichi couldn't hold it in anymore and cried, in a miserable little ball on the floor of Ryuichi's kitchen. OH god! Ryuichi! Shuichi cried harder at the thought that now matter how much he did in fact love his idol, he still loved Yuki! Shuichi hid his face against his knees. He had himself backed into a corner, on one side he could go with Yuki, someone who loved him now, something he'd wanted for the longest time, as fragile as it was. And on the other side, was Ryuichi, someone who proved that he loved Shuichi enough to let him go, albeit not without a fight, but he'd still let him go.

Shuichi was still crying when he felt someone's arms curl around him. He knew who it was, deep down, but it was so much easier to pretend he didn't. Those strong arms held him fast and steady against a warm chest with a gentle heartbeat. Shuichi cried until his eyes were sore and puffy.

"Not so easy is it Shuichi, pretending you've got yourself fooled."

Shuichi looked up into the sad eyes of a serious Ryuichi. "But I'm not trying to fool myself! I love you both so much, so much…"

Ryuichi wiped Shuichi's eyes softly, tenderly. "I know Shu-chan, I know. But I said it before. I'm not going to be a whim. I want it all or nothing."

Shuichi stared up into those blue eyes. They sparkled and Shuichi could now see the tears Ryuichi was keeping at bay. He could feel his throat constricting; he lowered his head and sobbed. He was prepared to be cast aside, but was instead pulled into a really tight hug.

"Shuichi, I know you love me. I know, I love you too, but if we can never be together, I want you to know that I will always be your friend, always no da. Forever and ever and even longer than that."

Sniffling Shuichi pulled out of Ryu's arms and stared into those deep eyes. Ryuichi stared right back. A single tear slipped down his idol's cheek before Shuichi leaned forward and rubbed his nose against Ryu's.

"You are not, and will never be a whim. Ryuichi, you want all or nothing, and it's a heavy price to pay. But you can have it if you help me keep the pieces together." Shuichi could feel more tears leaking out the corners of his eyes.

Ryuichi nodded and pulled Shuichi close. "Oh I will Shuichi, I will. But please, don't forget that I can break too. Don't break me, because then I won't be able to help you."

Shuichi nodded against Ryu's chest. "I won't break you."

Ryuichi smiled through tears and produced kumagoro out of thin air before pulling Shuichi to stand.

"Ryu-chan says he needs some alone time, okay Shu-chan?"

Shuichi looked at the pink bunny that spoke to him. "Why does Ryu-chan need alone time kumagoro-kun?"

Ryuichi flinched a little, and it was all Shuichi needed to see. "You are not going to get high!"

Ryuichi rubbed the back of his neck before hugging kuma-kun to his chest. He stayed silent, but Shuichi could tell the minute he turned his back Ryuichi would be gone.

"Ryu-chan, come lay down with me. We'll tell stories to each other, or we can sing, but you have to come with me." Shuichi laced his fingers with Ryuichi's. "I'm not going to break you, and I'm going to protect you from breaking yourself."

Ryuichi look skeptical. "And I'm sure you're an expert at this Shu-chan?" He sounded sarcastic.

Shuichi smirked, "No, but I'm an expert at winging it."

Ryuichi gave a half-hearted tug at Shuichi's hold on his hand. "I'm not getting a choice am I?"

Shuichi happily shook his head in the negative. Ryuichi sighed with defeat and let his younger counterpart drag him toward the couch. Shuichi maneuvered them so he was practically wrapped around Ryuichi. "Sing with me?"

Ryuichi looked into those pleading amethyst eyes and shut his own. Couldn't Shuichi see that this was hurting him? In the worst ways no less. He knew that he said he wouldn't be on a whim, but already he could tell that the minute they stepped back into Tokyo Shuichi would be begging Eiri Yuki to let him back in. Why did he always act so stupid?

He decided to indulge in Shuichi's simple offer; singing always made him feel better; and sang out his anger and sorrow. Shuichi seemed startled by the amount of emotion in Ryuichi's voice and didn't try to match it, instead he caressed it with his own, soothing it back into something as simple as harmony. Ryuichi didn't even feel Shuichi move, but opened his eyes (he hadn't realize he'd closed them), and watched a small smile spread across Shuichi's face. Something real.

This trip was so real and yet so fake. They weren't being loud and obnoxious, but rather smooth and expressive. Normal overpowering characteristics lost and easier to handle ones played out. Calmer sides of both boys showing through. Ryuichi felt nineteen again sitting here with Shuichi. Shuichi like the one thing he never had before, kissed his eyes nose and mouth. He whispered kind words and sweet nothings and fell into the comforting movement of rubbing small circles on Ryuichi's arms, chest and back. Ryuichi lay there, unwilling, or unable to move. He closed his eyes once more and whispered into pink hair that smelled of strawberries. "Aishiteru, Shindou Shuichi."

He felt Shuichi nod against his chest. "Aishiteru, Sakuma Ryuichi."

* * *

-hangs head- i did't get anything done this chapter, nothing at all. Its all just mush and sap. -shudders and then coughs- not to mention that i got sick, like gross sick, like i'd explain but it'd be t.m.i.

And yeah, i'm 37 minutes late for the fourth of july thing, but hey, i tried. This chapter is also much shorter than the last two, about 400 words shorter, but oh well, at least it's something ne?

please review! they make me pica, pica!

p.s. if i don't update for quite awhile, blame marching camp and illness. I fell like crap. okay. I'm done now.

buddy


	7. never alone

Shuichi and Ryuichi lay sprawled across each other and the couch, quite content to just be, when Spicy Marmalade came blaring from somewhere inside the house. Ryuichi, who had be dozing, blinked and tried to hit the button on his alarm clock, only to find that there wasn't one. Shuichi grumbled and sat up. Rubbing his eyes he tried to figure out where he was, and why the hell he was so warm. He was greeted with sleepy blue eyes, and Spicy Marmalade playing all over again.

Ryu pushed Shuichi off his lower body and went to find his phone. The incredibly annoying thing was hidden under piles of clothes in the bedroom. Hitting the answer button Ryuichi was greeted by a very pissed Noriko.

"Ryu-chan, where the fuck are you?!" Ryuichi could practically feel the fire she was breathing into the phone.

He fell backward into a laying position and raked a hand through his hair. "Hi Pica-Pica Nori-chan."

"Ryuichi, please tell me Shuichi is with you and you two haven't done anything?"

Ryuichi blinked. "We haven't done anything Nori-chan, what's wrong, no da?

Noriko was silent for a moment before a deep sigh was heard, "Do you have access to the internet? Or just plain old TV will do it and you'll see what's wrong."

Ryuichi looked over to the old set he had in his room, did the thing even work? "Uh, I don't know about TV or internet, can't you just tell me Nori-chan?"

Ryuichi heard another deep sigh, Noriko yelling at someone, and then pure silence on the other end.

"Nori-chan?"

"Ryu, there are rumors going around that Shuichi and you are having an affair. All of our fans absolutely love it; they're going nuts, Nittle Grasper and Bad Luck and both tied at number one, not to mention the movie you were working on with XMR is now all over the media; some rumors claim Shuichi is going to be in it."

Ryuichi shook his head even though he knew Noriko couldn't see it. "But Shu-chan's not going to be in it Nori-chan! And our fans like it, na no da? Isn't that good?"

"In a way, yes, it is very good, but Tohma is not happy at all. He wants you both back right away. He told me to tell you to stop playing games. Ryuichi, this isn't funny anymore. You need to bring Shuichi back."

Ryuichi could feel his heart beating hard; he was waiting for it to come out his chest, or maybe up his throat.

"Ryuichi! Please listen! Enough is enough Ryu-"

Ryuichi stared at Shuichi who had soundly closed his phone, effectively ending the call. "Shu-chan, why did you do that?"

Shuichi smiled a rather sad smile, one that brought butterflies into Ryu's throat. "I'm giving up. I don't want to be a famous anymore."

Stunned, was an understatement in Ryuichi's eyes, because this was the boy that had inspired him to reform a band that was considered dead, to leave behind music. He _left music behind_ because Shuichi gave him the strength to do so, and now Shuichi was giving up?

"Shuichi, you can't!"

"But I can! And I just did! Being famous as only ever hurt me, I've never gotten anything back from it all. I can still make music without being famous."

"That's a lie and you know it!"

"But it's not! It's what drove Yuki away from me! It's why I can't go anywhere without being attacked by reporters and flashing cameras! I always have to be on top of my game or else Japan eats me alive! I have no freedom, none at all!" Shuichi nearly regretted saying all those things when he meet the stone cold eyes of one very angry, very scary, Ryuichi Sakuma.

"So I wasn't something good? If you weren't famous you would have never meet me. If you hadn't been trying to become famous, you would have never meet Eiri Yuki. Ever think of that Shuichi? Japan is always eating you alive, always. You think I've never been under that pressure? It nearly drove me to insanity, why the fuck do you think I come out here and get stoned? It's the only freedom I ever had."

Shuichi stared into those defiantly serious sapphire eyes, "I have thought about all that, I have! And sometimes I can just imagine how great my life would be if I had never gotten the aspiration to be just like you!"

Ryuichi seemed stunned. His eyes widened, his jaw went slightly slack, and his arm fell from where his fingers were curled in his hair. It took Shuichi a whole split millisecond before he threw himself into Ryu's arms and cried out angry frustrated tears. "You should understand best of all Ryuichi, I can't do this anymore. I'm scared of being alone with just my music after everything's gone!"

"Shuichi, Shu-chan, you'll never be alone. Don't you understand? You're living proof of my point. You will never be alone, because somewhere out there, your music is touching someone's soul, and making them a part of you." Shuichi looked up through tear filled eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Shuichi, I was always alone. But my music reached you, ne? And then I meet you, and look at us now."

Shuichi sniffled. "That doesn't change anything."

"But it does Shu-chan." Ryuichi squeezed Shuichi to his chest. "Have you ever read your fan mail Shu-chan?"

Shuichi glared up at Ryuichi. "I try not to after that stunt you pulled on me during our singles-being-released contest."

Ryuichi looked a bit ashamed. "I'm still so sorry about that Shuichi. I just wanted you to work harder. But you can't seriously say you've never read a fan-letter, can you?"

"I did once, but all they cared about was whether or not Yuki and I had done it yet."

Ryuichi laughed.

"What? I'm serious! The only thing any of my so called 'fans' care about is my love life."

"Then they aren't real fans."

"Of course not, what was I thinking?" Shuichi rolled his eyes and Ryuichi tugged his hair.

"Shuichi, I once got a fan-letter that told me I was a hero. That I was a god; someone to look up too." Shuichi stiffened in his arms. "Someone who was loved forever and always by the person who sent the letter, sound familiar?"

"Well, yeah, but there's no way it could have been mine. You have millions of fans in every country out there."

"I can't really argue that. But I kept that letter; it's sitting in a safe on my desk back at my flat." Ryuichi looked down to see Shuichi staring up at him. "It was signed…" Shuichi shrugged against him. "… by one, Shindou Shuichi."

Shuichi sat up lightning fast. "You kept my letter?!"

Ryu nodded. "Yup."

Shuichi looked like a little kid on Christmas morning, but it didn't last long. "Wait, why?"

"Because it was special. The day before I got it, I was in a really bad way. I don't think I was on good terms with anyone, I was deserted, alone, Tohma, Noriko-chan, everyone, they were just mad and upset with me. I felt unloved. I went home to a giant stack of fan-mail, randomly grab a letter, read it, and felt loved again."

Shuichi was in shock.

"Shuichi?" Ryuichi pulled Shuichi's face up so he could see in those purple eyes.

"I, I'm not sure to what to say."

"Of course not, what was I thinking?" Shuichi glared at the man who mocked him.

"It's true. I wrote that letter thinking you'd never see it. But why mine? Out of thousands I'm pretty positive you get everyday, why keep mine?"

"I don't know. I don't even remember reading it to be honest. I woke up and I was clutching like I was afraid it would disappear or something."

"Wow, and that was way before I even tried to be acknowledged by NG." Shuichi looked wistful. "That was way before I knew what it was like to be in love. I was still in junior high!"

Ryu laughed, a sweet, gentle, charismatic laugh, "I know. It made me feel like a pedophile, especially after I actually meet you."

"Please tell me you're kidding."

"No, Shu-chan, we're thirteen years apart, no matter how young I look… or act." The last part was said as if it tasted bad. Shuichi was chuckling against his chest.

"Oh Sakuma-san, you're such a dirty old man!" Shuichi had a very fake stern face on.

"Am I now?" Ryuichi was trying to play along, but could help it as a smiled tugged at his lips.

"Of course you are! Look at what you're doing now: holding a boy thirteen years you're junior to yourself, dressed only in sweat pants, not to mention what you did with him earlier."

"He didn't seem to mind." Ryuichi was smirking, that confident little smirk that had his loyal fans across the world drooling and trying not to cum in their pants.

Shuichi was the one now who didn't look fazed in the least. "I never said he was complaining, as a matter of fact he wanted to know if you had it in your old bones to give it another go."

Ryuichi growled and flipped them over, pinning Shuichi's hands above his head. He still wore his confident smirk, but now it looked just a bit predatory. "What was that sonny? Old bones?"

Shuichi groaned and arched upward. "Sakuma-san, I'm but a loyal fan at your mercy!"

Ryuichi leaned down so with every word his lips brushed Shuichi's, "Are you now? You sure didn't sound like it a minute ago."

Shuichi let his tongue flick over both their lips. "A true fan, such as myself, will worship your beauties as well as your flaws."

Ryuichi leaned a tiny bit closer. "A true fan, you sound like a reporter, perhaps a stunt to get me to reveal myself then?"

Shuichi's eyes were half-lidded and wanton as he stared up into Ryuichi's lust filled ones. "Never, Sakuma-san, just a fan, giving their god a review."

"Then I just discovered that I very much like reviews." Ryuichi was grinning.

"Do you?" So was Shuichi.

"They're very pica, pica."

Shuichi laughed softly, and leaned up to press his lips to Ryu's, who hungrily pressed back, and abruptly pulled away. Ryuichi laughed softly when Shuichi pouted at the loss of contact.

"Oh," Ryuichi moaned, "This old man is just so worn out, I think I need a power nap." He buried his face in the crook of Shuichi's neck.

Shuichi giggled and ran his fingers through wavy brown hair. "Need another review?"

Ryuichi smirked and bit the tender neck before him causing Shuichi to squirm. "This god likes reviews."

Shuichi moaned and bucked upwards again, causing Ryuichi to bite him again. "Keep it up, and this loyal fan won't be able to review, let alone think."

Ryuichi smirked. "Is that so?"

Shuichi couldn't stop the loud shriek of laughter that came from him as strong hands tickled his side and a warm mouth licked and bit at his neck. "Ryuichi!!"

Ryuichi moved so he was face to face with a panting Shuichi. "You called?"

"You cheated."

Ryuichi looked taken aback. "Nani, no da?"

Shuichi smirked and leaned towards Ryuichi's neck and blew a raspberry on it. It was Ryuichi's turn to laugh as the tables were turned and Shuichi tickled him mercilessly. Shuichi managed to move them so Ryuichi was on his back pinned beneath Shuichi.

"Tickling an unsuspecting person, namely me, is cheating."

Ryuichi reached up and pulled the unsuspecting person, namely on very surprised Shuichi, into deep kiss. Shuichi could swear he felt his toes curling in delight. Shuichi had just begun to kiss back when Ryuichi flipped them back over and pressed himself against a very receptive part of Shuichi.

Shuichi was ecstatic, finally, Ryuichi was going to do something about the problem he always gave Shuichi, or at least that's what Shuichi had thought. As subtly as the whole role playing, flirting, drive each other insane game had begun, it unexpectedly ended. Ryuichi was curled up under the covers, kumagoro cuddled to his chest and his other arm outstretched for Shuichi to crawl under. Which Shuichi did and cuddled up to Ryu as if it was the only place in the world to be. Ryuichi tugged on Shuichi's hair as said boy nibbled and licked at his neck.

"Shuichi, it's like, two o nine in the morning. This 'old man' is actually pretty old, and is currently on emotional and physical overdrive, rendering me pretty fucking tired."

Shuichi looked up and kissed the underside of Ryuichi's chin. "Okay fine, we'll sleep. Sweet dreams Ryu-chan."

"Sweet dreams, na no da, Shu-chan."

Shuichi waited a moment to be sure Ryuichi was sound asleep before whispering into the hollow of his throat as softly as he could, "I love you, Sakuma Ryuichi, and I refuse to break your heart, even if it means breaking my own. I love you, I've always loved you. I always will." He closed his eyes and drifted off into a blank sleep.

Ryuichi clenched his fists in the blanket. 'Shuichi, I once thought the same things and I ended up with what I wanted, but what I never ever want, is for you to be hurt. I love you Shindou Shuichi, and I'll do my best to keep your heart safe and whole. I promise not to break you. I promise.' He pulled Shuichi tighter to his body and felt Shu snuggle against him. Ryuichi kissed the top of his head and closed his eyes. Damn he needed a fucking hit. He felt Shuichi throw a leg over his own. 'No, what I need is to be strong. Just five more days to convince him to stay with me, please, kami, if you're up there listening, help me make Shuichi happy.'

* * *

this chapter is dedicated to all my reviewers who've been with me since the beggining!

I love you guys!

so i'm no longer buzzed off cough syrup (let me tell you, that was fun. the trick is to take it like shots! bet you didn't know that one buddie!) and i finally got this chapter done. writing while your sick is so weird. a couple a times while i was rereading i was like "WTF? when'd i type that shit?-deletedelete-" but hey, i think it came out pretty good.

Please review! they make me extremely happy, and motivate me to make the next chapter better.

love ya! buddy


	8. Day three anxiety

By some miracle, Ryuichi and Shuichi had managed to get the old TV set working. Now both boys sat on the floor in front of it, dust covered and slightly red from scratching at it, slack jawed and wide eyed. Upon the screen, a fashionable reporter was commenting on the disappearance of two very famous men, whose whereabouts were unknown. Changing the channel, Ryuichi noted dryly that it was the same story.

All of Japan was gossiping about the "Trip to Nowhere", as it was now dubbed as no one knew where they were. Shuichi lay back on his elbows and sneezed before remarking, "Sheesh, you'd think Japan has nothing better to do."

Ryuichi nodded. "Serial Killers, burglars, crooks and thieves, their on break right now, I guess, no…da." He looked a bit confused.

Shuichi laughed softly. "That sounds like a song."

Ryuichi looked up a bit surprised, raising an eyebrow at Shuichi.

"What? It does. I can see it now." Shuichi broke off into an improvised kind of song. "Crooks and thieves have taken their leave, burglars and killers on a vacation that'll last all winter.

Why'd they go, when'll they come home? The world never may never know how or why or where. But they'll wait for that singer to return from his Trip to nowhere…."

Shuichi and Ryuichi dissolved into a fit of giggles that quickly transformed into full blown laughter.

"You know Shu-chan that sounds like a number one single already."

Shuichi took a deep breath before stretching out his body on the floor. "What can I say, pure genius right here."

Ryuichi gave him 'the look'.

Shuichi sat up. "What?"

Ryuichi stood up and stretched his body, Shuichi's mouth went dry. Shuichi may have been a genius, but Ryuichi was still very much a god, well, at least Shuichi thought it so.

"Shuichi…" silky sandpaper, the only way to describe that husky drawl was those two words; silky sandpaper.

"Shuichi, I'm feeling, pica, pica…"

Shuichi swallowed hard, how did Ryu work him up like this? For god's sake the man had only said a few words! "Really, how so?" Shuichi could help but want to cry at how pathetic he sounded in front of this sex god.

Ryuichi turned around and threw that sexy, nerve wracking, blood heating smirk over his shoulder. "Wanna dance?"

Shuichi couldn't help but nod dumbly. He stood and followed Ryuichi, who was headed into a separate room, they left the TV on, but Shuichi's brain decided that it was nothing for him to worry about at the moment, that is to say until he heard a voice that made his blood run icy.

"As president of NG, I, Tohma Seguchi would like to express my concern as to the wellbeing of Shuichi Shindou. I do not know his location, or if he is indeed with Ryuichi Sakuma. I also wish for it to become public knowledge that I will not divulge information as to novelist Eiri Yuki's state of being, and am only married happily to his sister, Mika Seguchi, who could not be present today."

Shuichi had stopped listening as a female reporter asked a few more questions, he felt Ryuichi right behind him, emanating that scary aura, but Shuichi felt his heart twist as the face of a very angry Yuki came on the screen.

"'Mr. Yuki, what say you to the rumors of your and Mr. Shindou's break up? Or to the ones of Shindou's supposed affair with that of Ryuichi Sakuma?"

Yuki took this opportunity to glare at the camera. 'No comment, now get out of way.'

The woman stepped aside but kept firing questions. Yuki calmly retorted a sharp, cruel 'Good day.' And disappeared inside his house."

"Shuichi." Ryuichi wrapped his arms around the tense form of his pink haired friend.

Shuichi turned to face Ryu and stared at him hard. "If I went missing out of you life, had an 'affair' what would you have to say about it?"

Ryuichi seemed stunned for a moment before that seriousness returned full force. He leaned forward and pulled Shuichi into a bruising kiss. It wasn't sweet, romantic, loving, or kind; it was possessive, territorial and quite vicious. It ended with a tug on Shuichi's lower lip, and Ryuichi let him go.

Shuichi was panting hard. He was still staring at Ryuichi with that same calculated look, and even though his knees were shaking and his stomach muscles were twitching, he got the message quite clearly.

Ryuichi left Shuichi staring into space and turned off the TV with an audible click. He turned to see Shuichi staring at him over his shoulder, eyes narrowed and breathing hard. "Shuichi, I still want that dance."

Shuichi turned around full and took a step into Ryuichi's personal space. Their breaths mingled in the air and Shuichi ghosted his hands up Ryu's chest, over his shoulders and then buried them into his thick hair pulling him down for a kiss. Ryuichi expected a retribution for the kiss earlier, and was surprised as gentle lips rested against his.

Shuichi kissed Ryuichi softly, nothing but the smooth sensation of touching. Ryuichi felt as if string had tightened around his heart, so tight his head felt fuzzy and he wasn't sure what was taking place anymore. He wasn't aware that he had Shuichi by the belt loops of his pants and was pulling him to meet his own body until they were pressed up firmly against each other and yet even then the kiss didn't become deeper.

Shuichi pulled his head back and lowered it so it rested in the hollow of Ryuichi's neck. Ryuichi buried his nose into a mess of pink hair that smelled of dust and wrapped his arms around the body pressed to his own. Deciding that now was a good a moment as any, he began to guide Shuichi into a slow sort of waltz. Slowly, insistently, lovingly, Ryuichi guided Shuichi through a slow dance to the thundering beats of their hearts and the shallow panting of their breathing.

The moment wasn't magical, it wasn't sweet, or captivating, it wasn't sentimental, or even remotely romantic. It was living, two figures made to be god's in the eyes of thousands of fans, were living. Living together in the moment, being human and crying for each other, holding each other and finding what little comfort they could from it. Shuichi realized then and there, in the arms of Ryuichi that they were both as human as the rest of the world, as normal and sane, as screwed over and hurt. Shuichi cried silent tears, not at all like movies made moments like these seem to be, these were silent, painful tears that made his throat hurt.

Ryuichi felt Shuichi's heartbeat though the thin cotton shirts they wore, he felt the tears that soaked a patch of his, and he certainly felt the way Shu trembled a bit and the way his breathing would catch every few seconds. But he most certainly felt what he longed to last a little longer, if not forever; Shuichi. Not the rock star that had girls screaming and every gay man on the planet wishing they had him, but real life Shuichi, one that had real life emotions, not the made up ones that he had perfected. He had Shuichi in his arms, and damnit all, he loved it. He loved Shuichi, and it was beginning to make him want that smoke he'd been denying himself.

Shuichi pressed himself harder against Ryuichi and whispered against his Adam's apple "I love you."

Ryuichi looked down at the boy in his arms. Shuichi looked innocent, so innocent, untouched, free, and here he was, Ryuichi Sakuma, how old was he now, thirty-four? That was right, thirty-four and he was in love with some one thirteen years younger than he was. Bur Shuichi was an adult, the kid knew what he was doing, Ryuichi wasn't worried that Shuichi would make the wrong decision; he was worried that Shuichi would forget him lest he not be the right choice.

Shuichi cupped Ryu's face and brought them so their noses touched. Ryuichi wanted to tell Shuichi that he loved him as well, but all that came out was a breathy. "Shuichi…"

Shuichi trembled and Ryuichi tossed his inhibitions to the wind, he pressed his lips to Shuichi's trailed his hands down to scoop up Shuichi, who automatically wrapped his legs around Ryu's waist, and continued making love to that mouth so greedily attached to his own. Stepping backwards Ryuichi ended up on the couch with Shuichi straddling him. Mouths still connected both boys moaned at the feel of each other, and Shuichi took it upon himself to grind harder to Ryuichi.

"Shu-chan!" it came out a strained whisper. But god, this was way better than hit he'd wanted, so much better; toe curling better, and that little voice that always scolded Ryuichi was telling him that Shuichi knew it too. But much to Ryu's disappointment, Shuichi wasn't as sadistic as he pretended to be; he was worse.

"Ryu-chan," Shuichi was a bit more than breathless staring down at the rock star below him. How Ryuichi still had his composure was beyond Shu. He sat up a bit more and began to practically dry hump his idol who helped by thrusting up in answer after giving up on trying to reverse their positions. "Please, please," Shuichi groaned, "Ryuichi!"

Ryuichi, who was doing more than just enjoying himself, even if he wanted a moaning, sticky and sweaty Shuichi pinned beneath him begging him to stop and then crying for more, was quite satisfied with the current moment. Shuichi look absolutely fuckable bouncing up and down on his lap, and even though their clothes separated them physically, Ryuichi had never felt so in tune to this pink haired nymph riding him. And just as Ryuichi felt himself prepare to explode, Shuichi had pushed himself off Ryu's body and took off running toward the bathroom.

Ryuichi was in shock as loud retching came from the bathroom, rushing over he cradled Shuichi to his body as the boy slumped over after emptying himself into the toilet. Shuichi was very pale, not to mention he was crying and shaking, his entire body shivering even as its temperature remained rather high. Suddenly, Ryuichi was all too aware of what was happening and he had never felt guiltier in his life. Shuichi was having an anxiety attack, a bad one.

Thinking fast, (what had Tohma and Noriko done for him when he'd have one?) Ryuichi pulled Shuichi close and gently stroked his hair and rubbed his hands up and down that smooth back. Ryuichi was taking deep breathes for two reasons at this point; one was that maybe Shuichi would end up breathing just like him, instead of the tight little gasps he was breathing now, the second was that if he didn't keep his breathing as even as possible, well, he could already feel an attack of his own coming on.

It worked, he noted, as Shuichi's breathing began to harmonize with his own. Shuichi was still shaking and helpless in his arms though not nearly as bad as he had been. Shuichi was also clutching him much tighter than he had been clutching Shu. Ryu could feel the boy's nails digging into his back. "Shuichi? My Shu-chan?" Ryuichi wanted to hit himself for sounding so pathetic when it was obvious he needed to be strong.

Shuichi hadn't seemed to notice and continued to cry and shiver silently against Ryu's chest. He held onto the man tightly, he was scared, anxious, and it was freaking him out. One second he had been so focused on watching the lust and pleasure in Ryuichi's eyes as he practically had sex with the man, and the next his body had hurt so badly he couldn't even think straight. He was grateful for Ryuichi's strong arms around him, god he was so scared. "R-r-r-ryu…" Shuichi was stuttering and he felt Ryuichi hold his mouth shut.

"Don't talk, relax, deep breaths. I've got you Shuichi. I've got you."

Shuichi had never felt as safe as he had in that moment. Ryuichi was warm and solid and real as he cradled Shuichi to him. Shuichi could feel his body relaxing bit by bit as he breathed in time to idol. He loosened his grip only the slightest bit and felt panic seize him again, instantly wrapping himself further around Ryuichi.

Ryuichi was desperately trying to keep his cool, breathing deeply to calm and sooth his own nerves as well as Shuichi's. He thanked god as it visibly and mentally worked. Ryuichi felt Shuichi shift a bit and move so he was kissing Ryu's throat. Now that was helping, if Ryuichi understood anything in his life, it was music, acting and sex, and now, quickly being added to that perfect list was Shuichi. Ryuichi pulled Shuichi up so he could place tender kisses all over the boy's face and neck, he physically and mentally sighed with relief as Shuichi moaned and melted under his lips.

"Shuichi, my darling Shuichi, what happened?"

Shuichi shivered and kissed Ryuichi in a clumsy manner before hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

"Shu-chan please talk to me."

Shuichi shook his head against him and began kissing the skin before him. Ryuichi held him close and massaged gentle fingers through his hair and all over his shoulders and upper back. "I, I," Shuichi took a deep shaky breath and started over, "I got scared. So scared, I was so afraid, oh god! Ryuichi, I'm so fucking scared!"

Ryuichi was confused to say the least, but let Shuichi cry into his neck. "Scared of what Shu-chan?"

Shuichi pulled back only slightly to look into Ryuichi's eyes. He didn't say anything, but stared at his idol as though he were searching for something.

"Shuichi?" Ryuichi was a lot calmer than before, but he couldn't stop the worry that laced his voice.

Shuichi took another of those deep; soul shattering breathes and whispered into the air between them, "I'm so scared you're not real."

Ryuichi just stared into Shuichi's eyes before leaning forward and gently kissing those soft lips. "Oh my darling, darling Shuichi."

Shuichi nodded slowly before cuddling to Ryu. Shu tightened his arms around Ryuichi again and closed his eyes. "Love me, break me, but don't ever leave me. Please, don't leave me; I can't be alone with myself."

He hadn't realized he'd said those out loud until he heard Ryu whisper back "I promised I wouldn't break you. I never break my promises."

It wasn't ideal, or even remotely romantic or magical, but there, on the bathroom floor Shuichi decided something that could either keep him alive and happy, or kill him in a heartbeat; he loved Ryuichi, and that's all that mattered. 'So long', he didn't even attempt to hold back his tears, 'Eiri Yuki.' Shuichi kissed Ryuichi again and let the tears come, he was faintly aware of Ryuichi crying into his hair as well. His heart hurt more as he heard the words his idol turned lover was whispering over and over again.

"Thank you, Shuichi, thank you, I love you so much, thank you."

* * *

gah!-hits my forehead on nearest available surface- 

this chapter is evil, just pure unadultered evil. -glares at it- i'm still unsatisfied with it, i'm breaking my own heart and it doesn't make sense!

-hits head again- oooooooohhh... dear god, if you're up there, looking down on me, can you do me a favor and stop making it so hard to write a simple chapter? I mean, it's just a chapter, its simple, not too many words, and a easy plot to follow, too bad this story has a mind of its own. So i don't really approve of this chapter, but i can't rewrite it because it's still the story, and i'm letting this story write itself. (buckle up we're gonna be here for awhile)

now, for some tylenol, a glass of apple juice and i'm going to bed. it's 3:10. i am/was fucking determined to post this shit. had to get behind me. yay! chapter nine is next!

-grins and offers everyone apple juice-

buddy


	9. loyalties and the art of love

Ryuichi could feel Shuichi's warm body slowly begin to calm itself. He could also feel Shuichi's heart slowing through his pulse point on his neck where Ryu had his lips pressed. Ryuichi forced himself to just hold Shuichi, anything else could make whatever Shuichi was going through so much worse, but he was so fucking scared. 'Calm down, must stay relaxed, relaxed deep breaths like the doctor showed me…'

Ryu slowly relaxed his hold on Shu and gently took hold of the boys chin. He pulled Shuichi's face up until their eyes meet. Shuichi had tears in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. His lips looked puffy and his nose was running, his eyes were nearly bloodshot, and his was taking those shaky gulping through tears breaths. He looked miserable, scared, and alone. Ryuichi felt his heart melt.

Sitting up, Ryu pulled Shuichi to his feet and then lifted the boy like a groom carrying his bride. Shuichi made no effort to do anything but wrap his arms haphazardly around Ryu's shoulders. Ryuichi guessed from the lack of movement that Shuichi had perhaps fallen asleep as he was carried to bed, he laid the boy down and was prepared to turn around when he felt a light tug on his wrist.

Shuichi looked up through sleepy eyes at a blurry figure before him, his first thought was that it was Yuki in one of his odd moments of love, but something was wrong, he wasn't as tall, or blond for that matter. The figure kneeled and for a second Shuichi felt like he was sixteen again, and was experiencing one of the greatest moments of his life. Sakuma Ryuichi stood before him, looking worried and tired. Shuichi wracked his brain for something, anything and it all came back it short bits and pieces.

Staring into the eyes of his very tired looking god, Shuichi wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. Dear god, what was he thinking coming here with Sakuma-san?

"Shuichi…"

That voice, Shuichi had heard millions of emotions go through that voice every day when they had both been at NG. But that, utter hopelessness in Ryuichi's voice just then had been so new, so foreign, so heartbreaking.

"Shu-chan, we'll go back tomorrow. I promised I wouldn't break you. But it seems that's all I know how to do."

Shuichi's brain felt hazy, and his tongue was too heavy and he tried to slur words together. He wanted to tell Ryuichi that what he said earlier was true, that he was giving up on Yuki, but the words didn't come out right and Ryuichi's face fell when he heard Shuichi's garbled version of Yuki's name and love. When Ryuichi tried to walk away again, Shuichi forced himself forward and sort of stumbled onto Ryu, knocking them both to the floor.

"Shu-chan, you shouldn't be moving around no da!"

All Ryu got in response was two fists tightening in his shirt and a mumbled "Not moving."

"Shuichi!" Suddenly, all the anger Ryuichi had ever felt exploded, he was furious with Shuichi, and he was furious with himself. "Knock it off Shuichi! I don't want to play this game anymore!" he clenched his eyes shut and tried to take a deep breathe. It didn't work. "No more. We both know that sure, while we're here you love me, but it's going to change as soon as we go back, and I …" he could feel tears coming, the lump in his throat was so big, he wasn't sure how to get past it. "I don't want to be hurt. The longer I'm here with you, the longer I can fool myself into believing you love me for real, when deep down, we both know you don't. Not like that!"

Shuichi, whose head was throbbing, whose stomach was unsettled, and who had truly planned on leaving Yuki, for Ryuichi, just stared up in shock. Ryuichi was yelling at him, in that forceful scary way he had only seen that one time when he confronted Yuki. Shuichi felt his heartbreak even more. Why, why when thing were finally looking up, did everything have to go downhill? Shuichi forced himself off his idol and stumbled toward the door. He was having a hard time breathing, and his stomach hurt so much, but he mustered enough energy to turn around and stare at his god, "Sorry, your highness, for royally fucking everything up."

Ryuichi watched as Shuichi left the room in small quick steps. He felt the lump in his throat tighten when the door to the guest room down the hall way was shut softly. Ryuichi felt so fucking stupid; of all the dumbass things he'd ever done, this one took it. What would his mother say if she could see him now? She had always known what to say, she had coined the phrase "Na no da!" it was her way of saying hakuna matata. Ryu pushed himself backwards till his back hit the wall. He looked up to see the top of his desk.

How ironic, all those years ago, he had come to this very spot under his desk and mourn, mourn for his mom, for his family, for his friends, for himself, for everything he regretted now that it could no longer be changed. The irony was how this was no different. What had Shuichi done to him? Shuichi had done something no other soul had ever succeeded in doing, where so many had tried and failed, Shuichi had succeeded, and he wasn't even trying. Ryuichi pulled his knees to his chest and curled his arms around them. Resting his chin in the small dip between his knees, Ryuichi couldn't help but wish this was all a dream. Not only had he succeed in breaking Shuichi, but also he'd broken himself. Some fucking genius he turned out to be.

Shuichi faired no better. He had barely made it to the bed before he's collapsed, his lungs burned with the effort he shouldn't have put into his great escape. But what right did Ryuichi have making that decision for him? None! Shuichi felt hot tears leave his eyes. Ryuichi had told him he loved him, why couldn't he see that Shuichi loved him back. He always had, even when he'd been with Yuki. Hell, he still loved Yuki, and as awesome and wonderful as the new found love the author shoed him, it was real. Not real how Shuichi wanted it, real how Yuki thought it should be.

Shuichi rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. Perhaps, Ryuichi was right? No, there was no way, it couldn't possibly be, but a little voice told Shuichi that it was an all too real reality. Yuki was a giant magnet for Shuichi. Shuichi understood why Ryu was scared, but did his idol have that little faith in him? And how had this all started anyway? One minute Ryuichi had been the anchor that Shu had needed so desperately and now he was pulling a Yuki and distancing himself as much as possible. Shuichi pounded his fists childishly on the bed below him as he cried crocodile tears. This wasn't fair!

Ryuichi could hear Shuichi's strained whimpers and cries through the wall that separated them. Now he felt even worse, he'd made Shuichi cry. Ryu clenched his eyes shut and tried to think. He truly didn't want to return to the real world tomorrow, but this so called vacation was turning out to be more hurtful than helpful. With a low growl from the back of his throat Ryuichi crawled out from under the desk and stood up straight, heading for his closet.

Shuichi needed a pick me up. Who better to give it than his god? Sakuma Ryuichi.

Shuichi who didn't want or need a pick me up so much as a good solid hug was to wide eyed and flustered to see an all leather decked out Ryuichi. The pants left nothing to imagination, and the open jack was just a few inches too short, exposing a good two or three inches of toned Ryu midriff. There was a loose pendant around Ryu's neck, and all his rings were on along with lots of random bracelets. He stood in the doorway looking every last bit the superstar he was. Shuichi just stared. This wasn't the same Ryuichi who Shuichi had been with all this time, this was the Ryuichi that tricked Shuichi during the promotional singles contest; this was the Ryuichi that Shuichi admired and hated at the same time. This was the Sakuma Ryuichi, lead singer of Nittle Grasper, one of the most charismatic, sexiest, genius people to ever grace the planet, standing in the doorway, staring at Shuichi.

Shuichi just stared back. He had a feeling he knew exactly what was going on. Can't win him over by being real? Then be fake. Shuichi glared, Ryuichi seemed unaffected and smirked. He walked over to the bed, or perhaps stalked is more accurate and crawled up Shuichi's body until he was straddling said boys' hips. Ryuichi had the entire Sakuma charm working. He none to gently traced his fingernails down Shuichi's chest.

That was when Shuichi snapped, hard.

Ryuichi was stunned to say the least. From his spot on the floor, where he had been knocked off the bed, he stared up into the tear filled eyes of his Shu-chan. He raised his hand to his stinging check and gently felt the area that was already staring to swell slightly. Shuichi had slapped him, as hard as he could, and was now glaring down at him through those pretty purple eyes that were filled with tears.

"How dare you Ryuichi! How dare you!" Shuichi blinked back tears. "Didn't you say that I would be away from it all out here?"

Ryuichi figured Shu wanted an answer so he nodded his head slowly.

"Then why the fuck am I still not away from it all?"

Ryuichi was always the one in charge, especially when he played his cards right. He had almost never felt intimidated, and always got what he wanted. But right here and now, Ryuichi felt small, insignificant, and useless. What had he done?

"Ryuichi…" Shuichi kneeled in front of Ryu and gently caressed the cheek he had hit.

Ryuichi just stared into those purple eyes and felt like he did the very first time he ever saw Shuichi; awestruck. How was this boy having this effect on him, Ryuichi Sakuma? Instead of thinking clearly, like he should have, Ryuichi leaned forward and pressed his lips to Shuichi's.

Shuichi pressed back, forcing Ryuichi to lie down and then rolling them so they lay on their sides, he never broke the contact between their lips. Shuichi wrapped his legs and arms around Ryu who did the same thing and held him close. Shuichi ran his tongue over Ryu's lips and suddenly they were exploring each other's mouths.

Ryuichi rolled them so he was lying on top of Shuichi. He broke their kiss only to whisper "Aishiteru," before kissing that soft pink mouth again. Ryu could feel Shuichi's body reacting in a similar way to his own. It was a proven point when Shuichi arched his back and groaned as their lower bodies came into contact.

"Ryu…" Shuichi felt his fears melting away and threaded his fingers through Ryuichi's hair.

Ryuichi was in absolute ecstasy of mind and body. Shuichi felt so good beneath him, and his name off those sweet lips was better than any music he'd ever heard. He grinded down softly, he couldn't resist; it had been far too long since the last time he had wanted to touch somebody like he did his Shu-chan. And now, his Shu-chan wanted him just as much, if his moans were anything to go by.

Suddenly, Ryuichi found himself face to face with a flushed Shuichi leaning over him. "No more games Ryu." Shuichi leaned down to kiss Ryuichi breathless. "This time for real."

Ryuichi stared upward. Shuichi was beautiful above him. "Shuichi…"

Shuichi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Make love to me, Ryuichi Sakuma."

Ryuichi felt his entire body tighten and quiver with anticipation. "Shuichi, you know I love you but I don't think we're read-" he ended with a moan as Shuichi's mouth pressed to his own once more.

Shuichi broke the kiss and gave his idol that fearless look he took right before he planned to do something career changing. "I do. Now, before you get anymore doubts as to where my loyalties lie right now, I want you buried as deep in me as possible. Make love to me, Ryu-chan."

Ryuichi sat up as best he could and stared hard into those purple eyes. "How do I know this isn't a one night stand?"

Shuichi smiled and Ryu's heart melted. "Because I'm not asking you for sex, I want to make love with you. Real love and I want to do it over and over again until my body can't possibly move another inch, and then fall asleep in your arms."

It was all the encouragement Ryuichi needed to reverse their positions and kiss Shuichi for all he was worth. Shuichi smiled again and hugged Ryuichi as tightly as he could. "Thank you."

Ryuichi stopped in his tracks and pulled his face from Shuichi's neck to stare into those teary eyes that shone happiness. "Thank you, for what?"

Shuichi kissed him ever so gently. "For loving me."

Ryuichi took a second to absorb that and kissed Shuichi in return. "My darling Shu-chan. My Shuichi. I'm going to love you, with every fiber of my being. And I can prove it."

Shuichi moaned into the mouth attached to his own. "Aishiteru!"

Ryuichi rocked his hips against Shuichi. He didn't feel the need to say it aloud; actions always speak louder than words.

* * *

i am so sorry!!!! i feel like this took me forfuckingever to write!! and as great as it is to be a senior this year, man, can you say unorganized chaos?? shit, i'm freaking exhausted.

well, anyway, i figured, its time, these two need to reconnect. ryuichi is staring at me like "You're so mean buddy!! look at what you've put me through!!"

yeah well, shut it. you get shu-chan in the next chapter, speaking of which, if you have any preferances as to how these two should 'do it' let me know, and i'll try to incorporate it a bit. if its gross, too bad, i'm ignoring you!!

now shuichi is looking over my shoulder and poking me. i'm going to poke him back. -pokes shu- ha! he twitches!! now i'm tempted to do it over and over again.

wow, que long authors note. but i'm done now! please review!! i'm updating as fast as my overworked brain and stupid muses are letting me. blame shuichi and ryuichi. it's all their fault. couldn't be normal, oh no. had to be special... brats. but i love them...

okay, done! peace!!

buddy


	10. i just want to feel you

Shuichi couldn't help but wonder if this would be better than any other time he'd done it. And Ryu's mouth was so hot against his neck and he couldn't stop the moan from escaping his lips. Shuichi bucked his hips upward while tugging at Ryuichi's shirt at the same time. He wanted this, needed it so bad. This was the first major event in his new life. He wasn't sure whether he should be happy, or crying his eyes out.

Ryuichi though, felt like a virgin all over again. The very first time he had ever done it; his partner had regretted it and ended up leaving Ryu in heartache. But Shuichi was so very responsive under him, this was almost exactly like the last couple of times they'd fooled around, only this time, there was something different. Ryuichi didn't try to stick a word on it; the last thing he wanted to do was jinx it.

Shuichi finally got Ryu's shirt over his head, and said man sat up to remove it completely before discarding Shuichi's. Bare chests gleaming in the midmorning sun light, Ryuichi pushed himself flush with Shuichi again and kissed his lights out. Shuichi let another moan out and wrapped his arms more securely around Ryuichi's shoulders. Shuichi didn't want to rush this, as badly as he wanted it; he also wanted it to be about love, not sex.

Ryuichi felt similarly. Shuichi was his fucking world, like hell he'd screw that up now! He pulled his mouth off of Shu's and pressed their foreheads together, he smiled at Shuichi who looked more than a little flushed. Rocking his hips gently against Shuichi's, Ryu kissed Shuichi slowly, insistently, lovingly. Shuichi reciprocated the act and held on tighter to the god straddling him.

"Mmmm, Shu-chan…" Ryuichi was finding it hard to keep his voice normal sounding.

"Ryu…" Ryuichi pulled himself off of Shuichi to look down into his eyes. He smirked at that pretty face and felt heat rush through his body when Shuichi blushed.

He leant forward and traced his tongue around the rim of Shu's ear before whispering seductively into it. "Hands and knees."

Shuichi didn't even hesitate. He sent a look over his shoulder that had Ryuichi's mouth watering and suddenly they were both wearing too much clothing. Shuichi sat up on his knees to remove his shirt and heard Ryuichi doing the same. He was about to lean forward again when he was pulled back against Ryu's chest. A hot mouth attached itself to Shuichi's neck and Ryu's nipples were hard points against his shoulder blades.

Ryuichi bucked forward as Shuichi pressed his tight ass backwards against him. Letting out a groan Ryuichi place open mouth kisses all over Shuichi's neck and shoulders, before reaching down and undoing Shu's jeans. He pressed harder against the firm backside pressed against him, and stroked Shuichi slowly and steadily while said boy reached up and back to tangle his fingers in brunette hair.

"Ryu… please, no more" Shuichi paused for a moment as his pants were pushed below his hips and those hands disappeared only to remove Ryu's pants as well "teasing. No more teasing."

Ryuichi was thrusting lightly against Shuichi and whispered into his ear soft words that had Shuichi tingling from the inside out. "But you feel so good Shuichi. I just want to hold onto you, to feel you."

Shuichi leaned his head back on a strong shoulder and pulled that face forward far enough forward that if he craned his neck he could kiss Ryuichi for all he was worth and not give up his promising position in front of his lover. "I want to feel you too. Please make love to me Ryu."

"And if I continue to stall?"

"I'll throw you down and ride you for all I'm worth." he smirked, "I might just do that anyway."

Shuichi was knocked back onto all fours and warm slick fingers went to work stretching him and lubing him while warm lips placed chaste kisses up and down his back. Humming a satisfied little tune under his breath Shuichi muttered out "I guess I'll just have to hold you down some other time."

He felt Ryuichi smirk against his back and then those fingers were gone. He felt Ryuichi shift and then heard something like foil tearing; he cast a curious glance over his shoulder to see Ryu tearing open a condom with his teeth. "Why….?"

Ryuichi looked up, eyes smoldering and Shuichi nearly forgot to listen as his god spoke. "…Just in case."

Shuichi tilted his head and turned around fully he wasn't sure what to think; was Ryuichi implying something? "I'm not a slut Ryu."

Ryuichi looked sad and shocked for a moment. "I didn't mean that I'm wearing it for me." Shuichi felt his eyes widen. "I…"he looked away from Shuichi and slowly turned back to meet his gaze "I've had plenty of lovers in my life time, I just don't want you to catch anything if I have it. I can't remember the last time I was tested."

Shuichi had never seen Ryu looked so ashamed before he leant forward and gently kissed Ryu's nose before taking the condom from him. He put it on Ryu and then lay back positioning himself so Ryu was between his spread legs. Shuichi smiled up at his idol.

Ryuichi seemed a bit startled. "You still… I mean you…don't want to…stop?"

Shuichi shook his head and reached up to run his fingers through Ryu's hair. "I told you I wanted to make love to you. Condom or not, disease or no, I still want you, Ryuichi. Right here, right now."

Ryuichi stared down at Shuichi and with a whispered "I love you" pressed inside of him.

Shuichi knew this feeling well, and it had been so long, if it had ever truly even taken place, and now he felt so cherished, not fragile, or used, but sincerely cherished. Shuichi was in heaven and the fireworks were only getting started. Shuichi t felt his entire body relax as Ryuichi gently began pumping in and out of his body in a slow sinuous way. Ryuichi was above him breathing in slow deep even breathes in time to the slow graceful movements of their bodies. Shuichi wrapped his arms around Ryu's neck and opened his legs a bit more allowing Ryuichi to slide even deeper with every lazy thrust he made.

Over and over, Shuichi wasn't even sure how long they'd been there, but his mind was gloriously numb with love and happiness as Ryuichi made him come for the fourth or fifth time since they started. Ryuichi had kept his slow steady pace and was pleased to say that Shuichi was nothing but a quivering happy puddle of goo beneath him. He felt Shuichi tighten up again as he cried out in pleasure and felt his own body fall over the edge as well.

Ryuichi grinned down at the still shivering for of Shuichi and peeled off another of the soiled condoms. He was reaching for another to discover that there was no more. Frustrated he leaned over the edge of the bed to see if perhaps one had fallen and saw nothing. He growled low in his chest and turned back to the still spread, wanton, horny Shuichi who had been racking his nails over Ryu's chest. "Forget it." Was all he was graced with before being dragged down to kiss Shuichi.

"But…"

"Mmmm," Shuichi arched underneath him sending jolts of lust through his brain and body. "No more rubbers. Take me, just you, and nothing in the way."

Ryuichi shuddered before pressing himself quite roughly against Shuichi. "Positive?"

Shuichi arched again and let out a whimper. "Yes, one-hundred percent. Make love to me!"

So Ryuichi, throwing all his remaining caution to the wind took Shuichi again. This time it has fast, hard, rough. Shuichi was clinging tightly to Ryu's neck and shoulders while Ryuichi pounded into his body over and over harder and harder until Shuichi felt he would burst. Shuichi threw his head back and came again, tightening on Ryu who came at the same time without any time of warning, filling Shuichi with himself and crying out in pleasure. He rolled to the side pulling himself out of that pliable body.

This time he stayed detached from Shuichi, instead of pushing himself back in before he could truly soften. Ryuichi pulled Shuichi to snuggle close to his body, both shiny with sweet and other various fluids, mostly Shuichi's, and kissed that soft forehead, those moist eyes, the rosy cheeks and nose, and that hot little mouth. Shuichi positively beamed at him from hooded eyes.

Content, sated, sleepy, and in pure untainted love, Shuichi and Ryuichi fell asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

Ah, another chapter done. This one was way more exhausting than any other chapter so far. How to write a more… happy love scene when I'm used to being angsty? I guess one could say I'm just tired. Very, very tired., making this chapter very, very short.

So senior year started and already I've fallen behind. I was never very good at math and since I went and got sick last week (my eyes went out of wack and got all pink and sore and sensitive, and swollen.) I fell back even further. I have tons of homework that needs to be finished.

I can't say I'm generally very pleased with this chapters length, but I didn't want to add more to what I wanted to be a special chapter dedicated to just this single act.

On a completely different note, I got to see DCI live in person. That would be Drum Corp International for those of you thinking "What the hell is Buddy rambling about?" to be blunt. It was freaking awesome. The Cavaliers won, but the really winners in my eyes were Carolina Crown. Damn, what a sound, it makes you break out in goose bumps and your hair stand on end. Damn, I think I just had a fangasm from the memory alone.

So I've spent my far share of my daily life with you, if you want more, dare I say it, ask. But I'll go now. Did I mention how sorry I am that you had to wait so long for this chapter? I am so sorry.

Love you all.

buddy


	11. Day four i love you so

Shuichi woke feeling warm and comfortable in a strong embrace. Slowly allowing his eyes to adjust to the bright sunlight streaming he felt the body resting against his quivering, and hot wet droplets hitting his shoulder before cascading down his side to wet the mattress beneath him, and Shuichi's world crashed around him slowly but surely. Shuichi felt every droplet like hot acid burning a hole in his heart, tightening his arms around Ryu, Shuichi tried desperately to stop the tears from leaving his own eyes.

Ryuichi faired no better, he had woken nearly an hour before Shuichi had, and as he laid there listening to that steady heartbeat that echoed into his own, he realized that he was destined to die. How could he seduce Shuichi like he had? And now, now, after all was said and done and they would be heading back to Tokyo, and Shuichi would surely leave him for Eiri Yuki, so Ryuichi did the only thing to ease the ache in his heat. Ryuichi cried. His entire being simply hurt with the pain he knew was coming, Shuichi had promised to try and stay unbroken and in love with Ryu, and Ryuichi knew, from every fucked up experience he'd ever survived through, that things as they were now were much too good to be real, and therefore could not, would not last. And he would die of a broken heart.

Shuichi cried now, along with Ryuichi for what he knew was going to happen. Shuichi knew for a fact the second he saw Yuki all the feeling he had for the man would rush to the surface and overflow making him want to jump Yuki and just stay there forever. And now, after all he'd put Ryuichi and himself through, things would never be the same. And as much as all the thoughts going through his head hurt, he decided to give everything he had left to Ryu. He owed his god that much, he would try, and it would destroy everything he was; slowly, but surely.

Ryuichi heard Shuichi's breathing hitch and then begin again much like his own. Shuichi was crying as well and Ryuichi felt another part of his heart break off and turn to molten hot tears for him to cry. Love wasn't supposed to hurt like this, it just wasn't. Ryuichi wished he could just make all this pain disappear. Shuichi didn't deserve this. He didn't and every little hic and gasp Shuichi made as he cried forced even more tears fill Ryu's eyes.

Shuichi felt Ryuichi tighten his arms around him and did the same without even thinking about it. How could he be so happy and sad at the same time? Scooting himself down, he forced Ryuichi to remove his head from under his chin and face him. Tear stained and scared Shuichi wiped his eyes while Ryu did the same. Taking in a deep gulp of air Shuichi whimpered out something similar to "Why?"

Ryuichi wiped Shuichi's eyes and leaned forward to rub their noses together. "Please Shuichi, just let me pretend. Just pretend. I don't want to think about anything but now. Okay no da?"

Shuichi understood exactly what Ryuichi meant, and it tore his heart in two. Shuichi shook his head and pressed his lips firmly against Ryuichi's before pulling away. "We have to think about it Ryu! We have to!"

Ryuichi shook his head and hid his face against Shuichi's neck again. "But I can't. I can't because after this I don't know what's going to happen to me, and I'm scared Shu-chan! I don't want to die!"

Shuichi felt his heart skip a beat, and more tears fill his eyes. He hugged Ryu harder to his body and pressed butterfly kisses to his hair and forehead. "No Ryu, you can't-" Shuichi took a a deep gasp of air to try and power himself through this. "You have to stay with me! You can't quit this late in the game. You can't…"

Ryuichi looked up from his hiding spot and peered through his matted bangs and Shuichi. "Quit?"

Shuichi peered back through his own tangled bangs. "Yeah. Don't quit. Not now, not when we're this deep in love with each other." Shuichi pulled on Ryu's face so they were resting eye to eye. "Don't quit on me when I know that I won't be able to quit on you."

Ryuichi felt his heart collapse. How many times had he heard this speech, and how desperately he wanted to believe Shu? So desperately, so desperately that he had asked "And if it's all a lie?" before he could stop himself and leaned forward to gently kiss Shuichi before pulling back to stare into those sparkling amethyst eyes.

Shuichi sensed the quick kissed bestowed on him rather than felt it and stared back into Ryuichi's piercing gaze before responding with enough conviction that he had himself believing. "It's not because I need you! This isn't just a love like the one I have for Yuki. I really need you to survive. You're my heartbeat, you can't quit on me now!" Shuichi squeezed his eyes shut and allowed a few more tears to escape.

Ryuichi knew that those words would be either his salvation or his downfall, and for the moment, he was willing to believe Shuichi, and so he did. He realized Shuichi would have no way of knowing that so he did the first thing he that came to his mind; he pulled Shuichi in for what he hoped was a reassuring mind blowing kiss and quickly whispered "I love you." He kissed him again and again often repeating those three little words between kisses.

Shuichi had been nervous when Ryuichi hadn't responded at first, but just as he had been about to open his eyes Ryu's lips had meet his and Ryuichi had whispered that he loved him not just once but over and over and filled him with kisses that varied in length and depth and left Shuichi lighted headed and hungry for more. Ryuichi seemed to understand Shuichi's want and rolled onto his back so Shuichi straddled him.

Ryuichi smirked up at Shuichi who was breathless and gorgeous above him. "Well Shu-chan? You have me underneath you; the rest is all up to yo-"

Shuichi hadn't let Ryu finish by sliding down on Ryu's length in one smooth slick thrust. Throwing his head back Shuichi let out a long throaty moan and looked down at a glaring Ryuichi, who looked so sexy with his hair in disarray and smoldering eyes narrowed to slits.

Shuichi took a moment to smirk. "I told you…" Shuichi pulled himself up off Ryu's length before slamming back down causing Ryuichi to let out a groan, "That I'd ride you for all I'm worth."

Ryuichi threw his head back as Shuichi began bouncing roughly on his lap over and over again. Ryuichi could do nothing but clutch Shuichi's hips as his body tried to thrust back up in time to Shu's rhythm.

Shuichi wasn't helping by talking his time and thoroughly enjoying the groans and half screams that poured from Ryuichi's throat. Determined to see just how many noises he could get his god to make, Shuichi varied his rhythm from short hard thrusts downward to long slow strokes where he squeezed Ryuichi from the inside as hard as he could. Ryuichi never failed to please him and even though he came first, it was during when Ryuichi grabbed his hips, immobilizing him and thrusting upward filling him with Ryuichi in hard fast strokes that hurt and pleased and sent shocks of electricity through his orgasming body that he felt completely and utterly satisfied.

Ryuichi felt the exact same way staring up at a sweaty, screaming, cumming Shuichi that Ryuichi sat up and kissed Shuichi before allowing him to bounce a few more times, wringing the last of everything from both their tired bodies, and then whispering once more into that gasping mouth. "I love you, my Shu-chan. I love you so much."

Shuichi shuddered and pressed himself closer to Ryu and whispered back. "I love you too. I love you too, Ryuichi Sakuma, with everything that I am."

Ryuichi felt happy. He felt loved, and he felt complete. Something he hadn't felt in so long, that now, after all his fears were pushed to the back of his mind, and Shuichi sat atop him, practically beaming love at him, that he could finally feel his body relax and gentle tears cascade down his cheeks. Shuichi leaned down and kissed those small tears away and smiled softly.

"Ryu?"

Ryuichi looked up lazily and felt his heart stop at the look of lust in Shuichi's eyes. He was suddenly all to aware of where his and Shuichi's bodies were still connected. "Yes, Shu-chan?"

"I feel stressed." Shuichi had an almost innocent pout on his face.

Ryuichi ran his hands lightly up those lean thighs and rested them on Shu's hips. "Stressed?"

Shuichi nodded and rocked his hips a little. "Very stressed."

Ryuichi groaned and rocked up just a bit. "What's wrong no da? Anyway I can" Ryuichi could stop the groan that left his lips "help?"

Shuichi slowly, seductively ran his hands down Ryuichi's firm chest, scraping his nails against those sensitive nipples. "You told me we wouldn't go home till I was all relaxed." Shuichi kept rocking back and forth over Ryuichi, god this was so much better than all that cock teasing before, and Ryuichi was so hot inside him. "But yesterday you said we'd go back today." Shuichi thrust down a little harder and groaned as Ryuichi went even harder inside him.

Ryuichi growled and flipped them over and stared down at the flushed face beneath his as Shuichi tried desperately to rock himself onto Ryuichi. "If your stressed Shuichi. Then we should defiantly wait out the week. Thrusting lightly Ryuichi was pleased to see Shuichi's head loll back and a tight groan come from his throat. Smirking Ryuichi pulled out and started for the bathroom. Shuichi sat up and stared at his lover with a mixture of curiosity and frustration.

Ryuichi felt a surge of smug satisfaction fill him. Throwing an almost innocent smile over his shoulder he kept moving calling back to Shuichi "I don't know about you Shu-chan. But I need a nice hot shower, care to conserve water?"

Shuichi felt his eyes go wide and he was off the bed in a heartbeat. Shuichi wrapped himself around a laughing Ryuichi who swung himself in a circle, before plastering Shuichi against the shower wall and thoroughly cleaning him.

Later, as both boys were nearly sated and very content, found Ryuichi and Shuichi lounging on the couch wrap in nothing but a warm blanket, boxers, and each other. Ryuichi kissed Shuichi's chest, directly over his heart and whispered, "Shuichi, am I still your heartbeat?"

Shuichi, who was so very dazed with happiness at the moment, could only stare in confusion at Ryuichi. "What do you mean? How could you not be?"

The smile that Ryuichi responded with was so heartbreakingly sad that Shuichi felt tears fill his eyes, but it was what Ryuichi said that had them spilling down his face in a warm cascade. "I just wanted to make sure that I'd always be a part of you."

Shuichi leaned down to kiss those sweet lips right when Ryuichi's phone, which now blasted 'Welcome to My Romance', was heard from directly under the couch. Ryuichi paid it no mind and continued to kiss Shuichi who, while completely melting under the loving onslaught of a very lovable Ryuichi, tried to grab the phone he could feel vibrating through the couch cushions.

As they broke apart the phone ceased its ringing. Ryuichi smiled, happily this time and reached under the couch to grab his phone just as it let out the little tune that meant he had voice mail. He placed the phone on speaker and pressed play.

"Ryuichi," A very calm voice addressed. "This phone number has been traced; you didn't think I would let this go on for very long did you?" Ryuichi's eyes widened. "Enough of your silly games with Shindou, we both know he's nothing but a toy for you. Something you'll get tired of playing with, after all, it's happened before." Ryuichi glared now at the smooth sound of one Tohma Seguchi's voice continued to fill the air. "So I'm going to give you just one more day to get whatever this is out of your system and then I'm sending K to get you. Don't bother calling back; I'm not changing my mind." A slight chuckle was heard from Tohma before they could hear him smirking into the phone, "Shindou-san, I do hope you're enjoying yourself, because as clichés go, you reap what you sow." An audible click and Ryuichi and Shuichi were left staring at the phone.

"I reap what I sow?" Shuichi felt his heart sinking, what had Seguchi meant? And Ryuichi's games? Did that mean all this was a lie?

Ryuichi on the other hand was furious, absolutely furious. How dare Tohma pull this kind of stunt on him, and not only on him, but in Shuichi as well. This time, Ryuichi could feel his blood boiling, this time Tohma went too far. Ryuichi turned to Shuichi and was meet with nothing but the insecure gaze of one very scared Shuichi Shindou. Ryuichi slowly reached out to cup Shuichi's chin only for Shuichi to fall backward, away from him.

"Shu-chan?"

Shuichi shook his head. "What did Seguchi mean?"

Ryuichi didn't want Shuichi to see his gaze harden or his fist clench so he turned his back and glared into the air, "Remember how I mentioned all my ex lovers? They were games to me, every single fucking one of them." He could hear and feel Shuichi's breathing hitch. "I didn't love them. I never will." Steeling himself he turned to see a silently crying Shuichi. "But you, my sweet, sweet Shu-chan, I love enough to die for."

Shuichi stood on shaky legs and backed up until he was leaning against a wall. Ryuichi's entire body was tense and strained. Looking just a bit closer Shuichi could see his muscles quivering and shaking with anger. "I-I-"

Ryuichi turned around and stopped Shuichi dead in his tracks. "Do you love me?"

Shuichi was scared, so very scared. Ryuichi wasn't the same, he was angry, and something told Shuichi that as safe as he knew he would be, it was better to please than argue. "Of course."

Ryuichi seemed to growl before crossing the room and leaning very close to Shuichi's warm body. Shuichi couldn't stop himself from flinching. As soon as he did, he felt Ryuichi's body leave. He opened his eyes to see Ryu pulling on his pants and a shirt. Shuichi watched in mixed horror and curiosity as his god pulled on his boots and turned to stare hard at the floor in front of Shuichi's feet. He didn't look angry anymore so much as sad, and alone. "Let's get out of here. We'll leave before Tohma can come get us."

It clicked then, what had Ryuichi looking so dejected. He hadn't believed Shuichi we he'd said he loved him, not that Shuichi believed himself as he was scared out of his wits, but Shuichi did love Ryuichi, he did. Slowly, as if approaching something or one who could do him some serious harm, Shuichi walked toward Ryuichi. Just as he got close enough to be practically touching he saw the tears in Ryu's downcast eyes. Shuichi, so very unsure of himself, reached up as slowly and gently as he could and cupped Ryuichi's face in his palms. Those hot tears fell from those deep sapphire eyes.

Ryuichi simply stared at Shuichi, twice, twice he had let himself believe that Shuichi would chose him, and once again he felt all those hopes and beliefs vanishing with the tears streaming down his face. Shuichi leant forward and hid his face in the junction of Ryuichi's neck and shoulder as he wrapped his arms around Ryu's neck. Ryuichi made no move to stop him, and yet didn't allow himself to return the simple hug, he couldn't.

Shuichi, who was surrounded by the warm scent of Ryuichi, whispered as softly and gently as he could, "I don't want to go back, not now; not after all I've been through. Disappear from the face of this planet Ryuichi, and take me with you."

"Why? We both know how all this is going to end."

Shuichi shook his head and felt his chest tighten. "I don't want it to end that way. It can't, I won't let it. I love you Ryuichi Sakuma!"

Ryuichi limply wrapped his arms around Shuichi's waist. Slowly, so very slowly, he began to dance with Shuichi. "But it already has ended Shu-chan. No matter how much we love each other."

Shuichi molded his entire body against Ryuichi's and whispered against the smooth skin of his lovers' neck, "But I don't just love you. I'm in love with you. I don't think I can go on if you're not with me."

Ryuichi buried his face in strawberry hair and inhaled the sweet scent of the shampoo Shuichi used earlier. "Oh my Shu-chan, my darling Shu-chan!" Ryuichi pulled Shuichi's pliable body more firmly against himself and continued the slow dance. This time though, he sang, a song that Shuichi had never heard before, but broke his heart all the same.

"Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling

From glen to glen, and down the mountain side

The summers gone, and all the leaves are dying

'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.

But come ye back when summer's in the meadow

Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow

'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow

Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.

And if you come, when all the leaves are dying

And I am dead, as dead I well may be

You'll come and find the place where I am lying

And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me

And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be

And you'll kneel and tell me that you love me

I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me."

He gently kissed the top of Shuichi's head.

"I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me."

Shuichi held on tighter, and cried into the arms if the man he truly felt he loved most.

Ryuichi kissed the top of Shuichi's head again and pulled that face up to meet his own. He kissed those sweet lips and breathed against them, "I mean it Shu-chan. I love you so much, too much to hurt you."

Shuichi kissed Ryuichi and breathed back, "Then stay with me."

Ryuichi's heart tightened painfully, but he kissed those sweet lips again. Before singing once more, "Oh my sweet, sweet Shuichi, I love you so."

Their lips meet again and this time, though both still had their doubts and fears, neither broke away. Shuichi's fingers curled in Ryuichi 's hair and Ryuichi's hands tightened on Shuichi's hips, and they held on to each other, finding what solace they could as they awaited the soul shattering wake up call headed their way.

Hours later, as they lay cuddled to one another in bed, nothing but each other and the sheets to cover themselves Shuichi kissed Ryuichi's pulse point, "My heartbeat."

"Forever and ever, my Shuichi, I will always be your heartbeat, forever and ever, and longer than that."

Shuichi's heart swelled and he kissed Ryuichi again before settling under his chin. "All mine."

Ryuichi smiled against Shuichi's pink hair. "All yours."

'One day, just one, and this fairytale will end. Please, love me even as it ends, and our doubts and fears eat us alive.' Shuichi cuddled closer and Ryuichi held him tighter. 'Because I'll never stop loving you.'

* * *

as an "I'm sorry!" for having the last chapter so short, i made this one long!!

i rock! anyway. this chapter is dedicated to my buddie. i love her so. and the song, although is weird, is really pretty and i can so imagine ryuichi singing it softly...

-in a happy place- any way please review! its my caffiene to keep going! and i didn't really get any last time. it made me sad, but i'm good! peace

bud- oh wait. check out my myspace. its my home page on my profile.

okay.

buddy


	12. possessively jealous

revised and edited-smiles- for your enjoyment, and satisfaction.

* * *

Shuichi was scared. No, that didn't quite cover it, he was terrified. Terrified of what he knew awaited him in the very near future. He clenched his eyes shut and held on tighter to Ryuichi who effortlessly drove through the blanket of night toward home. A million thoughts raced through his mind, what would happen when the returned? What had he been thinking? How was this going to work out? He already knew the press would be all over them, and the scandal that his return with Ryuichi would create, not to mention he was in Ryuichi's clothes, oh that just made it even better. The question that burned the most though, was how was all this going to work itself out? He loved Yuki, he still did, there was no denying it, but he loved Ryuichi more, right? He shook his head this wasn't going to be fun or easy at all.

Through partially open eyes, and the deep blue tint of the helmet visor Shuichi watched buildings he hadn't seen in so long pass him by. Was his heart supposed to beat so heavily in his chest? Surely it wasn't supposed to hurt the way it did as it drummed against his ribs, Shuichi blushed at the thought of through their layers of clothes Ryu might feel his heart beating. 'I'm braver than this! I can't be scared! I love Ryuichi, and I'll stand by that.' but even as Shu thought the words, even he could feel the hesitation beneath them.

Ryuichi was having dark, scary thoughts, and he was trying his hardest not to let himself get distracted by them. But he was nervous, he knew he loved Shuichi and would do his best to survive if Shu left him, it didn't change the fact that part of him would die, a big part, and that was what had him in a subconscious panic. He was scared of being alone again, really scared. Scared of having his heart torn in two and never knowing it was going to be fixed again. It wasn't fair, he knew, to expect Shuichi to become completely loyal to himself, but it was worth hoping for, so long as Yuki didn't suddenly become the nicest man on the planet, and steal Shuichi away 'or back' he mentally added.

"Nine miles to go" Ryuichi whispered under his breath in his helmet, he knew he hadn't said it very loud, but something told him that Shuichi had heard for the arms wrapped around him tightened considerably. Sighing he took the exit that would lead them into the city, he felt the horrible temptation to stop and turn around back to the safety of his childhood home. He had been safe there, safe and in love. There had been no pressing worry; there had been no lies, just he and Shuichi living like two human beings who never had a real chance before. 'At least until the end… meanie Tohma.'

Shuichi took a deep breath, they were so close! Where did Ryuichi plan on dropping him off; surely not at his apartment with Yuki? Maybe with Hiro? That seemed considerably safer, unless Hiro decided that Shuichi deserved to suffer for disappearing and then not responding to his cell. Thinking quick and maybe a little rash, Shuichi leaned forward so Ryu could hear his voice and said very clearly with no room for argument. "Let's go to your apartment." At Ryu's slight nod Shuichi felt himself let out the breath he'd been holding, maybe he would be safe for awhile after all.

Ryuichi felt a wave of relief and anxiety pass over him at Shuichi's demand. Who was Ryuichi to say no to someone like Shuichi? They twisted gracefully through the streets on the motor bike not being recognized by anyone due to their forgivingly visor tinted helmets, Ryuichi liked that feeling, being himself without fans mobbing him, he was sure Shuichi had to feel the same. It was hard to go out in public with out someone noticing you and trying to get your undivided attention. Especially when all they saw was your face and not your soul.

Ryuichi wasn't ready to give up his moment with Shuichi and took an early exit. He felt Shu's arms tighten around his middle and a helmeted head rest on his shoulder turning just slightly as if questioningly. Driving through the wilderness, or as wild as the outskirts of Tokyo were, always relaxed him, and he felt that if he was going to face the whole world it would help to be just a little more clear headed, besides, there were a few things they needed to cover before the press attacked them.

Shuichi was trying to calm his racing heart and mind as they took off into a small forest like area. He held onto Ryuichi tighter, and almost began hyperventilating as the road they were on winded deeper and deeper into the trees, it was dark and moist and smelled so clean and good, almost like it did out at Ryu's house. The small panic he felt began boiling in the pit of his stomach spread up to his heart as Ryuichi pulled off the main road to a small dirt path. The bike came to a stop and Shuichi quickly pulled his own helmet off to hear what Ryu would say.

"Shuichi I-" Ryuichi was cut off as Shuichi pulled his helmet off and kissed him. It was a deep forceful kiss that left him more flustered than anything and almost instantly he had Shu straddling him; hands firmly gripping the boys' ass. Cursing his stupid over active hormones for making him act the way he did, but damn, Shuichi always felt so good.

Shuichi moaned into Ryu's mouth, god the man was a god with his hands and mouth. Pulling away and panting lightly he leaned forward bit to bite the man's earlobe before breathing "Take me Ryu" into his ear. He rocked his hips ever so lightly and was pleased to feel and hear Ryuichi react.

Climbing off the bike, Shuichi's legs wrapped around his waist and his arms around his neck Ryu walked into the trees deep enough to remain hidden from passerby's and prying eyes. He set Shuichi down against a tree and dropped to his knees, pulling the boys pants to the ground in the process.

Shuichi was already hard and the sight of Ryuichi, the man he praised as his god, on his knees staring at him like he was a delicacy only made him harder. Ryuichi had him down to the hilt faster that he could muffle the scream the tore from him at the feel of that glorious mouth swallowing him whole. And god, Ryuichi was so good with his mouth, from his singing, to his kissing, to his smiling to this, was there nothing his god couldn't do? Just as he felt sweet release approaching he quickly pushed Ryu away and nearly came at the lust in Ryu's piercing gaze.

Panting and severely constricted by his pants, Ryuichi watched as Shuichi fumbled with the clasp on his jeans before pushing them down to his knees. The air in the small forest was hot and damp and utterly delicious feeling against his bared skin. Just as he was reaching for the lube in his coat pocket he felt Shuichi pulling him forward roughly, smashing their mouths together and trying to get Ryu to pick him up.

Shuichi didn't want any kind of tenderness this time as he devoured Ryuichi's mouth. He guided Ryu's hands beneath his thighs and jumped, forcing the other to support him against the tree. He quickly reached beneath their bodies and aligned himself with Ryu's hard shaft and plunged down it hard and swift with a throaty cry.

"Shuichi!" Ryuichi screamed through gritted his teeth. This hurt him, oh so bad, but not nearly as much as he was sure it hurt Shuichi. He'd never taken anybody dry before, or been taken dry before for that matter, who knew how much pain Shuichi was in? The tears that slid down the boys face were testament enough to that thought, and desperately Ryuichi fought the urge to pull back and out of Shuichi as the movement could only cause so much more pain for the both of them.

Shuichi on the other hand was trying desperately to move. He had felt himself rip when Ryuichi had entered him, and it hurt but in such a good way that it didn't make any sense whatsoever. "Please Ryu" Shuichi all but sobbed and forced their bodies to move against each other a little. "Make me yours, claim me and keep me."

Ryuichi let out something akin to a growl, gave in to his bodies urges, and thrust hard into Shuichi causing a searing pain to shoot through both of them, but it did nothing to stop him from thrusting over and over into the tight heat that was Shuichi, who was moaning for more and moving his own hips to meet Ryuichi's thrusts; Ryuichi's thrusts that were as firm as they were shaky and his subconscious chose that moment to place a nasty little thought in Ryu's head 'What if this is the last time and Shuichi's just trying to make it up to me?'

Shu kissed Ryuichi hard and deep, with a seemingly distracted response, as they both came and slid to the floor in a tangle of limbs against the tree's trunk. Lips still connected and puffs of air escaping between them. Ryu was the first to stand and pulled Shuichi to his feet as well. Shuichi blushed beet red when Ryuichi peeled off his shirt and used it to nearly thoroughly clean Shuichi of any and all bodily fluids, and found it odd that his lover was not being his usual cuddly-self instead acting distant, and that, that hurt a whole lot more than his body did.

They dressed silently, never meeting eyes and when they had both finished Ryuichi pulled Shuichi into the securest hug possible and whispered "Suki da Shu-chan" into his strawberry hair over and over till they were both clinging with identical smiles on their faces. They mounted the bike after a quick, albeit heated, kiss and speed back toward the city. Ryuichi felt more confident and Shuichi felt reassured in himself, 'We can get through this!' It was still going to hurt; he hoped his heart would stay strong this time though.

The ride was short it seemed, even though it took the better part of and hour and it was in silence that they arrived and entered Ryuichi's home serene smiles still on their faces. Shuichi sat on the couch tenderly, glared at Ryu's smug look and sighed happily as he was kissed slowly and deeply while being pressed back into the couch cushions. Ryuichi kissed a line down Shuichi's neck and whispered he was going to make some tea and bring Shuichi pain killers before giving him something else to make it up to him. Shuichi was blushing and slightly turned on as he watched as Ryuichi disappeared into the kitchen.

Shuichi was still curled up amongst the pillows, sore and slightly stiff, and happily imagining staying just like this for the rest of his life, here, in Ryuichi's apartment, with Ryuichi. The thought mesmerized him and made his heart flutter; it had never felt this way with Yuki, and Shuichi liked it, a lot. 'Maybe, maybe nothing bad will happen, everything will turn out good and I won't have to be worried about anything. And Yuki, oh I'm so sorry Yuki, really I am, but I'm going to stay here, I'm not leaving.'

He was still in his pleasant world of "Ryu and Shu land" and hadn't expect to hear a shout and the thud of someone hitting the floor, quickly, despite the pain that shot through his body, Shuichi went running into the kitchen to find his Ryuichi on the floor nursing a bloody nose and glaring up at Yuki who seemed to be innocently standing there, with the exception of the murder in his eyes.

* * *

Ello!! long time no see! so i've already started working on the sequel to this story, and to be honest -so sorry- i don't like how it feels, so i thought, maybe i should continue this story?? i'm not sure and some help would be oh so greatly appreciated! alright, since i finally got that out of my hair, i suped up this chapter finally did all the error corrections on it and resubmitted it. i hope you like it, and please let me know what you want okay? -smiles and waves-

buddy

so, to be continued or not?? the power is yours to decide.


	13. Welcome home love

Shuichi had never felt as uncomfortable as he did sitting on Ryuichi's couch while Yuki sat across from him, it was no help that Ryuichi was off in the other room arguing with Tohma, and then not even loudly. It was scary, this, silence that filled the room, and Yuki was glaring down at the lit cigarette in his hand, and seemed to be deep in thought, and Shuichi, though it killed him, noticed how nice his lo-, ex-lover looked. Quickly averting his eyes Shuichi tried to find something else to focus on, looking over the room he saw nothing that surprised him seeing as this was Ryuichi's apartment, and Kuma-chan, bless his little heart, was a very big part of Ryu's life. So finally, with nothing else to stare at, Shuichi's gaze fell to his shoes, and the mud still there from their trip; Shuichi couldn't help a little laugh, it was truly had been a trip to nowhere.

Shuichi had been so deep in thought that he had heard Yuki speak until the man did it a second time, "Brat, you didn't even keep yourself clean." Yuki was looking at the dirt on his jeans and Shuichi could help the blush that spread across his face.

"That was, ah, more recent actually…" Shuichi voiced tapered off to a whimper at the end of his sentence. Yuki merely raised an eyebrow as incentive that Shuichi was not done explaining. Blushing an even deeper red Shuichi hurriedly added, "…we stopped in the forest on the way here,'" in no more than a hushed whisper.

Yuki continued to stare blankly at him before standing up and walking to the open balcony and smoke there. Shuichi watched quietly from his place on the couch, silently telling himself that looking over Yuki was not the same as checking him out, even though he knew a certain part of his mind was anyway. He admired those broad shoulders and slim waist, that always seemed to be hidden under some kind of jacket when they were out, the creased slacks, that for some reason he was seeing the front of and close up, and then strong fingers were lifting his face up to meet startling amber eyes.

"Why Shuichi, why'd you go with him?"

Shuichi could only stare at those pleading eyes, in what appeared to be a quite serious face and felt tears fall from his eyes, and he couldn't stop the guilt the bloomed within his chest and spread throughout this body, it hurt so much worse than he thought, and it only got worse when he realized he was sobbing into Yuki's chest while the man held him tightly.

It wasn't fair, was Shuichi's only thought, that his heart could love two people like it did, and life would only let him chose one. Shuichi couldn't help weighing the differences of the two in his mind, their smells, their looks, their tastes; it only made the tears come faster. And knowing who it was his heart wanted most? That was just a whole new wave of emotions that came crashing forward.

"Shuichi?"

Pulling away from Yuki fast, Shuichi turned to stare into the wide teary blue eyes of Ryuichi, and the darker condescending ones of Tohma. He wasn't sure what was hurting worse now, the guilt of betraying his new found relationship with Ryu, or the guilt of ruining the one with Yuki from the stare in Tohma's eyes. Time seemed to stand still as Ryuichi's eyes searched his own, Shuichi hoped that some how Ryuichi would understand, would care and listen, because right at that moment Shuichi felt he needed all of that and so much more just to make sense of what was going on. Before even he himself knew what was going on Shuichi was out the door practically flying down the street, uncaring that his face was being shown and that it was only a matter of minutes before he was spotted.

He ran and ran and hadn't realized where he was running until he looked up to see Maiko looking at him with worry etched across her features, it was almost like looking at his twin. She pulled him into a warm hug and whispered soothing things in his ear and he could do no more than hug her tighter while he whispered into her shoulder "I messed up, I messed up so bad!"

She tilted his face to look at her and tilted her head to one side, "Is this about your disappearing act?"

Silently he nodded and more tears fell. Releasing all but her hold on his hand she drew him inside, sneaking past their parents and up to his old room, he sat on his bed and stared down at the floor, he couldn't look up, because in this room, Ryu was everywhere. He suddenly wished he'd taken down all those posters when he'd left. He hadn't realized he'd squeezed his eyes shut until Maiko pinched his cheeks rather hard and glared at him from where she sat on the floor.

"Tell me," she said as she sat back, braced on her arms, "tell me everything, and I mean everything."

Taking a deep breath, Shuichi did just that, leaving out a few choice acts that his sister did not need details on, and as he spilled the entire story out he felt his soul lighten, the burden of being alone gone, and the pressure to decide everything by himself destroyed, "…And Ryu saw Yuki hugging me as I cried, so I ran away."

"To here." She concluded for him. She was quiet for what seemed like an eternity to Shuichi's exhausted mind, but when she finally spoke it was with such simplicity it almost made him gape at her. "So you said you loved Ryuichi, and not once, have you mentioned that you love Yuki. I don't know how anyone can not love him, but that's beside the point." She had leaned forward, not even glancing at him only staring fixedly ahead as she spoke on, her assurance ringing in his ears, "and that means that your heart has already decided who it wants, and it's just your memories of your first true love that's haunting you. You don't want to let go of your 'first' so to speak," she chose then to meet his eyes head on, "That's the gayest thing I've ever heard of."

He promptly fell off the bed and stared at the ceiling, "Is it really? I love Yuki; I love him so much…"

"But your love for him is different than your love for Ryuichi."

Shuichi noticed dryly that it wasn't a question. "Yeah…"

Maiko nudged him with her foot, "Care to elaborate?"

"Ryu is my heartbeat." Said Shuichi and felt the words echo soundly in his own heart. "Without him, I'm well, I'm nothing. I need him to survive in this world, he keeps me going."

"How?"

"He motivates me, treasures me, protects me and challenges me. Even when Yuki had me in tiny little pieces Ryu helped me back on my feet."

"Did he? How sweet, go on."

"He never hinders me, he stays firm in what he wants, he helps keep me firm in what I want, and he's perfect. Absolutely perfect." Shuichi turned to look at Maiko who was simply smirking at him. "I'm stupid aren't I?"

"Yes, yes you are."

"What now?"

Maiko poked him. "What do you think?"

Shuichi smiled a little before standing and looking around his many Nittle Grasper posters everywhere. He felt something in his heart give a tug. "…so this is what it feels like to have your heart strings pulled." And he was gone, running from the room, out the door and as fast as he could to NG. If Ryu was anywhere, it was there. Choosing to altogether avoid the train he ran faster than he ever had before.

It was there, just across the street and Shuichi made a mad dash for it, once in the building, he had no idea where to go, he immediately ran for Tohma's office, even though he dreaded meeting that man, Ryu trusted him, and could often be found around that particular office.

It wasn't long before Shuichi made it to the train station, jumping on, he did his best to hide in a seat toward the back, with his hood on and his face downward he was sure no one would pay him any mind. So sure was he, that when someone kneeled in front of him he jumped in surprise and was startled furthermore to find Ryu looking at him worriedly.

Shuichi wasn't sure what passed between them as they both stared into each others eyes. Shuichi's heart felt as though it were beating straight out of his chest and suddenly, he found he couldn't breathe. Maybe this was a mistake, maybe he was crazy, maybe he'd regret this… he found he didn't care as hw watched love and worry swim in those baby blue eyes of his heartbeat.

It was in the split second before Ryu pulled him into the warmest hug he'd ever had that his heart firmly made a decision. Wrapping his arms around Ryuichi, Shuichi sobbed silently, his tears seemingly endless and his throat dry and sore feeling. "Love you!" it was hardly a whisper into Ryu's own hoodie, but he knew it was heard because Ryuichi tightened his hold on him.

"I love you too, my precious Shu-chan."

* * *

awe guys, i took forevr to write this and i'm so very sorry, i guess i really didn't want to it to end in unbearale heartache, and i didn't know how to handle what i had going around in my brain, really hope you like this ending, who knows,maybe in the future i'll write more. let me know what your feeling. love you guys.

~buddy


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